Just the facts ma'am

July 28, 2012

73.6 pounds to go <-- A quarter of the way done!  Woot!

My favorite part of the movie "Blood Diamond" was when Jennifer Connelly gets in Leo's face when he's waffling about going on record for the diamond smuggling story she's writing.  In a tone of barely controlled "I-am-SO-pissed-of-at-you' she says "I need names, I need dates, I need pictures, I need bank accounts."  Not to compare my privileged middle-class life to starving children in Africa, but I know that feeling of "lost" when I am trying to get something accomplished and yet I can't find any specifics.  Give me details!  I need facts! I need instructions!   How am I expected to cross the finish line when no one has shown me how to run?

So here are just the facts ma'am:  I count calories.  I get 1400 a day.  I track every morsel of food that goes in my mouth into a fitness app on my iPhone.  As a soothing measure I tell myself I can eat whatever I want - just 1400 calories of it.  But as a general rule I try to have this breakdown of servings:

7 protein portions (1 portion = 1 ounce)

4 carbohydrates portions (1 portion = 1 slice of bread)

1 fruit portion (the diet clinic told me 4, more on this later)

3 cups of vegetables

3 fat exchanges (Fat exchange = half and half in my coffee, 1 tbsp mayo, 2 tbsp of sour cream 1/4th of an avocado etc.  In general think of it as something that is fatty and delicious and a serving has somewhere between 6 - 10 grams of fat in it)

I also bought measuring cups, spoons and a food scale.  Whenever I make food, it passes through one of them to make sure I have the correct portion.  If I eyeball it, the chances are I'm going to slip myself a few extra morsels of goodness and then end up sabotaging my calorie count.  Count everything.  Measure everything.  The only way to really know a serving size is stick it in the measuring cup.  Most of the time I'm actually surprised at how much I get to have.

So how does 7 protein portions translate into real food-eating?  At first I was baffled, staring at items in the grocery store and in my pantry thinking "is there anything I can eat in here?  Is this according to plan?  How many protein portions are really in this can of chicken soup? My microwavable enchiladas?" At first I would have a piece of toast with cheese for breakfast (1 carb, 1 protein) with a piece of fruit (1 fruit) & coffee with cream (1 fat).  Then for lunch I was trying to eat a big salad with tofu chunks and a dinner roll (3 protein, 2 cups of veggies 1 carb) and for dinner fish or chicken with vegetables (3 protein, 1 cup of vegetables).  Then as my snack twice a day I was eating fruit.  And I can tell you, on this plan I was ready to stab a bunny.  I was ALWAYS hungry.  And not just the uncomfortable it's-time-to-have-a-meal hungry, it was brain haze, teeth grinding, jaw hurting torture.

About 2 weeks into it when I started this blog I told myself something had to change.  Eating on a real food plan once I've adjusted to the smaller portion sizes shouldn't feel this devastating to my body.  Then I read an interesting article that said "just because you need to eat breakfast doesn't mean you have to eat it first thing in the morning."  So I tried spreading it out.  I ate some cherries first thing (1 fruit) and then at about 9:30 I ate a protein bar.  No snacking on fruit mid-morning.  To my surprise I survived until lunch without murdering anyone!  I was back to being normal-hungry for a meal.  This simple advice of waiting an hour or two to eat breakfast felt like a breakthrough of a lifetime.  For lunch I ditched the salad and had a reasonably portioned sandwich with 2 cups of steamed veggies (2 carb, 1 fat, 3 meat, 2 veggie) and then for dinner I would mix it up.  But my favorite is an open faced home-made breakfast burrito.  I scramble up 2 eggs, have 2/3 cup frozen potatoes, 2 tbsp sour cream, 2 cups of roasted bell pepper and a tortilla with salsa pilfered from the local Mexican joint (2 carb, 2 veggie, 2 protein, 1 fat).  I started discovering I can eat things that taste good to me and the reason I was feeling so devastatingly hungry was because I was spiking my blood sugar twice a day with fruit.

Or filled with chemicals.

The biggest advice I can give is to eat things that you like.  If it makes my stomach lurch or I feel like I have to choke it down then I don't eat it.  My biggest discovery was that I'm very picky about the salads I like.  There's a few that are good - tostada salads and caesar - but for the most part I really do like cooked veggies.  So I switched.

To overwhelm you even further, here is a snapshot of what I ate over the course of the past few days:

Monday July 23:

     Breakfast:  12 Cherries, Peanut Butter Creme Power Crunch Bar, 2 cups of coffee & cream (363 calories)

     Lunch: 2 cups steamed veggies, Sandwich with 7 grain bread, vegan mayo & 3 oz Turkey, Honest Green Jasmine Tea (350 calories)

     Dinner: 1/2 serving black bean & Corn Enchiladas, 1 cup peas. Doctored peanut butter & jelly sandwich (801 calories)

     Snack: none

     Exercise: Dancing, (Ballet - 1st time!) 1 hour + 1/2

     Net Calories: 806

Tuesday July 24

     Breakfast:  12 Cherries, Cookies & Cream Power Crunch Bar, 2 cups of coffee & cream (331 Calories)

     Lunch: El Pollo Loco Chicken Tostada salad - no shell, 1/2 ranch dressing (575 calories)

     Dinner: 1/2 turkey sandwich - whole wheat bread, no mayo, light laughing cow cheese wedge, Rubios chopped chicken salad (605 calories)

     Snack: Mike's homemade red scotch ale - 1/2 glass - 82 calories

     Exercise: nada

     Net Calories: 1593

Wednesday July 25:

     Breakfast: 12 Cherries, Wildberry Cream Power Crunch Bar, 2 cups of coffee & cream (331 Calories)

     Lunch: 2 cups steamed veggies, Sandwich with 7 grain bread, vegan mayo & 3 oz roast beef, Honest Green Jasmine Tea (380 calories)

     Dinner: Open faced homemade burrito - bell pepper, sour cream, roast beef, string cheese. White wine (540 calories)

     Snack: 100 calorie cookie pack, 1 tbsp better'n'peanut butter (150 calories)

     Exercise: zero

     Net Calories: 1401

Thursday July 26

     Breakfast:  12 Cherries, Cookies & Cream Power Crunch Bar, 3 cups of coffee & cream (372 Calories)

     Lunch: El Pollo Loco Chicken Tostada salad - no shell, 1/2 ranch dressing (575 calories)

     Dinner: Tarragon chicken salad sandwich from Starbucks.  Refreshers Strawberry Lemonade - 1/2 can (450 Calories)

     Snack: none

     Exercise: none

     Net Calories: 1397

It's getting easier to make healthy choices when I walk into a grocery store.  I know the foods I eat regularly - bread, string cheese, veggies, cherries - so I can stock up without feeling overwhelmed.  Another rule I try to abide by is staying away from chemical-packed processed foods.  My unscientific, not -authority - backed rule of thumb is if there are 5 things on the label I can't pronounce then I don't buy it.

I am not buying this.

That's about it.  Count calories.  Be consistent.  Eat things that are enjoyable.  And most of all, don't give up.

The advantages of being fat

July 21, 2012

76.5 pounds to go

Somehow the pie plate turned into a blob.  My drawing skills have not improved.

In 2004 I did the optifast program where I lost 80 pounds in 6 months which took the subsequent 12 years to put back on.  My favorite thing about this program was the group discussions that lasted about an hour every week.  In the first few weeks of the program, the discussion topic was "what are the advantages of being overweight?"  My first response was "nothing you dipshit, I hate my body and I'm uncomfortable all the time."  Then our counselor went around the room and forced us to give a response.  Then the answers started trickling out: 

"I don't have to make an effort."

"I can eat whatever I want whenever I want."

"I don't have to change."

While these reasons didn't seem like advantages at the time, they are the biggest roadblocks to getting healthy.  When making a pros & cons list, they're not things we like to admit to.  

Let's start with the first reason - not having to make an effort.  In my every day life I have a lot going on between my job, socializing, taking care of my house, my relationship, etc etc etc.  Being over-busy all the time is the new norm, and taking the time to think about what food I put in my mouth and how quickly and easily it needs to happen makes a weight loss program seem impossible.  What do you mean I have to pack my own lunch and make my own dinner?  I don't have fucking time for that, I'm gonna go get drive-thru.  Or, say I've had an insane day at work where I was completing proposals every 20 minutes as well as taking care of my employees questions and getting projects done for my publisher.  Who the hell wants to go home, make a healthy dinner, drink no beer and then go for a walk?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I'm going to go pick up an enormous sandwich then practice my beached-whale impressions on the couch.  I simply can not pencil a healthy lifestyle in to my schedule.

When I did first start my new eating plan this was a challenge.  Then I started discovering healthy sandwich options at Jimbos (350 calories).  Or that I could go to Rubios and get a tasty chipotle salad (450 calories).  After work I could go by Los Primos mexican food and get a grilled chicken burrito (450 calories). If the day is normal it's not so bad to whip together a dinner in 20 minutes or just nuke something that's a healthier option.  There are solutions available and it's not as terrible as the "there's no way I can fucking do this" mantra floating around in my head.

On to the second reason it's a positive thing to stay fat - "I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want."  This is hard to compete with.   The diet industries raked in $40 billion last year alone (down from $60 billion the year prior, maybe we are getting collectively smarter) because they make us promises that it will be easy, that we can eat items a, b & c at will and watch the pounds melt away.  I personally have succumbed to these many times over the years. If I take this pill I can eat whatever I want!  If I can go on low-carb I can eat steaks until I keel over! If I become a vegan I can eat as much as I want!  If I do this insane butt-buster workout program I can eat whatever I want!  Why are we so scared of controlled portions?  Why is volume so important? Is it instinct that we might get hungry later and not have food?  Is it fear of deprivation? Of loss? Of missing out?  I don't have a good answer to this question.  But 40 billion dollars tells me that it's important to a lot of people, not just me.  The hard truth is if I want to be healthy I can't eat as much as I want whenever I want.  Period.  Begin grief stages.  (I don't believe you.  Fuck this! I'm doing what I want.  Well, can I just eat 1 pie?  No? Sob.  Goddamnit, someone download the calorie counter on my iPhone.)

I've saved the best for last - "I don't have to change."  I think humans are hard-wired to want to feel comfortable.  When we have to change our routine, no matter how small it's not comfortable.  With this journey not only do I have to change my eating habits which is a pain in the ass but I have to deal with all the emotions that come with a new body shape.  I realized a few days ago that for the last 5 years I have been around this weight, plus an extra 20 pounds give or take.  Now I am at the threshold of true change it scares the shit out of me.  In the coming weeks my body will be smaller than it has been in quite some time and it's new, new new.  And I thought to myself, "why the hell am I freaking out?  It's a good thing that I'm smaller."  I am so used to identifying myself with this body size: this is me, and I'm proud of me.  I like my curves, my accomplishments, and my lifestyle.  Simply put, if I get smaller a core part of my identity changes.  It seems like a silly thing to be worried about, and almost impossible to put into words.  Will part of me be lost along with my body fat percentage?  Will people still respect me for me?  Will I still have all the same accomplishments?  The same challenges?  Different ones?  It detonates a bomb of 'what ifs' which sends me spiraling into a panic.  Get paper bag, take deep breathes.  Calm down - what's the solution? What is it? What is it? I am such a goal-oriented person who wants hard facts to fix things and in this situation there is no bottom line "fix."  All I can do is take it one day at a time, and just keep going.  

Thank you to Ben who helped inspire this cartoon.

Shadenfreude

July 14, 2012

77.3 pounds to go

Shadenfreude (n): satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

This is another difficult subject to talk about.  I found out it existed from my German friend and at first it made no sense to me.  Why on earth would someone take pleasure in someone else's failure? 

To begin talking about how this applies to weight loss is tricky.  I feel that I have the potential to accidentally hurt a lot of feelings and it would be best to have a lawyer hovering over my shoulder editing this piece.

Mike said a pirate would make this comic funnier.

If all else fails, I plead insanity.

First of all, when I started writing this blog about a month ago, I had a lot of comments on how brave it is to write about weight loss in the midst of the struggle.  And it is brave -- sometimes when I get on the scale on Saturday morning I'm nervous that it will go up instead of down like it's supposed to.  If I'm reporting it to all of my readers, I'm going to have some serious explaining to do if that needle goes up.  Or rationalization if I don't feel like giving a real answer.  The potential for defeat and having to report why scares the shit out of me -- it made me understand why there are a lot of people who diet and don't tell a soul.

Sitting across from the table of scariness / bravery is my audience.  And who knows what they're thinking.  Are they rooting for me to win?  To lose?  Is their running mental commentary "oh, I've seen Bonnie go on a diet several times.  She's just going to gain the weight back later."  It wouldn't be an unfair statement - I have lost and gained a dramatic amount of weight several times in the past.  Taking responsibility for the food that goes in my mouth and the fat that lands on my ass is something that never goes away - whether I'm consciously dieting or not.

This is where shadenfreude comes in.  What if I do fail?  What if I'm not losing the weight at a steady clip?  Then comes the "I told you so."  The satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's (read: me) misfortune.

However, these are only the surface symptoms of what's really going on with this complicated feeling.  I know, because I've recognized it in myself, even though it's unintentional.  

Put in another way, has this ever happened to you?:

This always confuses me.

Here are the the two big things I think are going on when this happens:

1) People don't like change.

2) It's a mirror. There's something with the change that strikes at their core and it's something they don't like.

When it comes to change, I think we all struggle with it.  The skinny friend may be used to me being the fat friend.  The fat friend may be used to having someone to commiserate with.  If I'm dieting and losing weight, those relationships we're used to go away and we have to learn to cope.

The second thing is a little harder to put into perspective or even admit to.  I know, because I've noticed it in my own behavior when someone around me has lost weight.  I've caught myself shoving french fries in their face when they clearly don't want them.  Then I catch myself and ask "why the hell am I doing this? What is making me so uncomfortable?"  Inevitably, it's my own body image and reflection on my own struggles that I'm worried about and I'm trying to soothe myself.  It really has nothing to do with the other person.

In turn, the phrase "this has nothing to do with me" has been helpful for me in my weight loss journeys in the past and my journey now.  We're all human, and even if we do feel shadenfreude from time to time it doesn't make us bad people.  It just means we're learning to cope with a new behavior, and sometimes that coping process is messy.  Unintentionally messy and sometimes unintentionally hurtful, but with a little luck and patience we'll learn something along the way.

I will stab you if you ask me to exercise.

July 7, 2012

78.9 pounds to go

I hate exercising.  When I think of exercise, I think of the poor army guys running by my house every morning chanting "one, two, three four did you lock the kitchen door?"  The stragglers at the end always look miserable, out of breath and ready to smack someone.  I once had a dream that I was going for a walk around the block and the whole squad that always runs by was kicking it by the side of the road once they got out of site of my place.  Hey!  It's a trick!  You just want to make me think you're working that hard.

My idea of exercise is the kind that I don't like to do.  Running, jogging, or something that makes me vastly uncomfortable in my own skin.  Panting like an old dog, sky-high heart rate and making an idiot out of myself in front of other people.   Everyone has those friends who are constantly bugging them to go for a walk, try the new boot camp class (I did once, I walked out), or how fill-in-the-blank exercise changed their life.  There's something about the nagging that makes me grind my feet in and refuse to participate.

I already told you there's a gossip girl marathon on today I want to watch.

However, running, jumping and insane cycle classes are not the only kind of exercise available in the world.  The key is to find something you enjoy doing, in an environment where you don't feel pressured to perform as fast as your friend who claims that "it's seriously going to change your life."  For me, walking is ok when I'm trying to schedule in exercise during the week.  But what I really like is a good adventure and exploring.  A new mountain?  Pretty lake? Trail by the beach?  Mike and I will go on "walkabouts" where I don't feel pressure to perform and the pace is just comfortable.  The goal isn't to burn 1500 calories, but just to enjoy.  I also love anything involving dancing or water.

I think the biggest question when it comes to exercise is: "do I have to do it?"  I've been in diet classes where the instructor has said "it is mandatory that you exercise at least 5-7 times a week."  I've had others say "just give it a try, go walking for 20 minutes and try to increase it gradually as you lose more weight."  Typically this bomb is not dropped until you've survived the first few weeks of the new eating plan so you don't give up, but to me it still doesn't seem realistic.  I'm all about incorporating something into my life that is manageable.  When I started I thought I could easily fit in walking 3-4 times a week, but honestly, it's typically twice.  One adventure on the weekend and one boring walk during the week.  Is it what the gurus would tell you is the "correct" amount of exercise? No, but it's the balance that I've been able to work with.

The other big question on top of "do I have to?" is why we should exercise.  Is it the only way to keep the weight off?  Or in more blunt terms: "should I only exercise so I can eat more?"  I will admit, that when I have an outing with friends that involves food or a big family event, I will prepare by going on a big walk.  I'm still at the stage where it is difficult for me to be around massive amounts of food without wanting to eat it all, and if I'm only allowed 1400 calories a day, eating 1500 in 1 sitting is not going to work.  However, if I go on a monster walk and burn 800 calories, I can get away with a 1,000 calorie meal and still lose weight.  Is this healthy? Probably not.  Is it hard on my body?  You bet.  But it's a band-aid for my current will power.  The goal is to be able to go to an event and eat a sensible 500 calorie meal, but I'm not there yet.

Watch out, sometimes they will literally shove something in your face.

In the end, the hope with getting healthy is that I will find a way to exercise more frequently just for the pure health benefits separate from food.  Also, this adventure is still fairly new to me, so I'm not ready to think about the maintenance mode with diet and exercise.  It's like doing a budget for the household and really wanting to go on vacation but not having the funds.  There are too options to get the funds: spend less or make more money.  In relation to food one can either eat less (a.k.a. spend less) or exercise more (a.k.a. make more money).  On a balanced program I would ideally do equal amounts of both, but knowing myself I'll put the majority of the work in the 'eat less' category.  Again, I know it's not the ideal program, or what the experts would tell me to do, but it's something I can manage with my lifestyle and I'm happy with it.  And if I'm happy with it, that's all that matters.