The advantages of being fat

July 21, 2012

76.5 pounds to go

Somehow the pie plate turned into a blob.  My drawing skills have not improved.

In 2004 I did the optifast program where I lost 80 pounds in 6 months which took the subsequent 12 years to put back on.  My favorite thing about this program was the group discussions that lasted about an hour every week.  In the first few weeks of the program, the discussion topic was "what are the advantages of being overweight?"  My first response was "nothing you dipshit, I hate my body and I'm uncomfortable all the time."  Then our counselor went around the room and forced us to give a response.  Then the answers started trickling out: 

"I don't have to make an effort."

"I can eat whatever I want whenever I want."

"I don't have to change."

While these reasons didn't seem like advantages at the time, they are the biggest roadblocks to getting healthy.  When making a pros & cons list, they're not things we like to admit to.  

Let's start with the first reason - not having to make an effort.  In my every day life I have a lot going on between my job, socializing, taking care of my house, my relationship, etc etc etc.  Being over-busy all the time is the new norm, and taking the time to think about what food I put in my mouth and how quickly and easily it needs to happen makes a weight loss program seem impossible.  What do you mean I have to pack my own lunch and make my own dinner?  I don't have fucking time for that, I'm gonna go get drive-thru.  Or, say I've had an insane day at work where I was completing proposals every 20 minutes as well as taking care of my employees questions and getting projects done for my publisher.  Who the hell wants to go home, make a healthy dinner, drink no beer and then go for a walk?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I'm going to go pick up an enormous sandwich then practice my beached-whale impressions on the couch.  I simply can not pencil a healthy lifestyle in to my schedule.

When I did first start my new eating plan this was a challenge.  Then I started discovering healthy sandwich options at Jimbos (350 calories).  Or that I could go to Rubios and get a tasty chipotle salad (450 calories).  After work I could go by Los Primos mexican food and get a grilled chicken burrito (450 calories). If the day is normal it's not so bad to whip together a dinner in 20 minutes or just nuke something that's a healthier option.  There are solutions available and it's not as terrible as the "there's no way I can fucking do this" mantra floating around in my head.

On to the second reason it's a positive thing to stay fat - "I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want."  This is hard to compete with.   The diet industries raked in $40 billion last year alone (down from $60 billion the year prior, maybe we are getting collectively smarter) because they make us promises that it will be easy, that we can eat items a, b & c at will and watch the pounds melt away.  I personally have succumbed to these many times over the years. If I take this pill I can eat whatever I want!  If I can go on low-carb I can eat steaks until I keel over! If I become a vegan I can eat as much as I want!  If I do this insane butt-buster workout program I can eat whatever I want!  Why are we so scared of controlled portions?  Why is volume so important? Is it instinct that we might get hungry later and not have food?  Is it fear of deprivation? Of loss? Of missing out?  I don't have a good answer to this question.  But 40 billion dollars tells me that it's important to a lot of people, not just me.  The hard truth is if I want to be healthy I can't eat as much as I want whenever I want.  Period.  Begin grief stages.  (I don't believe you.  Fuck this! I'm doing what I want.  Well, can I just eat 1 pie?  No? Sob.  Goddamnit, someone download the calorie counter on my iPhone.)

I've saved the best for last - "I don't have to change."  I think humans are hard-wired to want to feel comfortable.  When we have to change our routine, no matter how small it's not comfortable.  With this journey not only do I have to change my eating habits which is a pain in the ass but I have to deal with all the emotions that come with a new body shape.  I realized a few days ago that for the last 5 years I have been around this weight, plus an extra 20 pounds give or take.  Now I am at the threshold of true change it scares the shit out of me.  In the coming weeks my body will be smaller than it has been in quite some time and it's new, new new.  And I thought to myself, "why the hell am I freaking out?  It's a good thing that I'm smaller."  I am so used to identifying myself with this body size: this is me, and I'm proud of me.  I like my curves, my accomplishments, and my lifestyle.  Simply put, if I get smaller a core part of my identity changes.  It seems like a silly thing to be worried about, and almost impossible to put into words.  Will part of me be lost along with my body fat percentage?  Will people still respect me for me?  Will I still have all the same accomplishments?  The same challenges?  Different ones?  It detonates a bomb of 'what ifs' which sends me spiraling into a panic.  Get paper bag, take deep breathes.  Calm down - what's the solution? What is it? What is it? I am such a goal-oriented person who wants hard facts to fix things and in this situation there is no bottom line "fix."  All I can do is take it one day at a time, and just keep going.  

Thank you to Ben who helped inspire this cartoon.