42.2 pounds to go
Ever since I started college, I’ve yo-yo’ed with weight. First put on 40 pounds. Then lost 50 pounds (low carb). Then put on about 20 pounds by the time I
graduated. After college I packed on
another 55 pounds to the 20. Then came
Optifast in 2004 and I lost 80 pounds.
Then from 2005 – 2012 I regained the 80 pounds. In 2011 I lost about 25 pounds (P90X) then
put it back on plus 15. I feel like of
the 15 years of my adult life I’ve either been in the process of not caring
about my weight and letting it creep on or drastically dieting. I’ve never had any awareness of ‘normal’ and
I’ve only seen the ‘healthy range’ twice: once when I lost the weight in college for about a month and then again
in 2004 for about 2 months. I have no
real experience reaching a healthy weight and maintaining it. It’s always been too hard.
Since I’ve only had brief glimpses of what it’s like to be
‘skinny,’ I also don’t have any real
knowledge of what it feels like, or what to expect. I have no idea what ‘normal’ is. Technically, I’ve been overweight just about
my entire adult life – that’s what I know and that’s what feels normal to
me. It’s what I’m used to. Even now, I feel terrific and thin although
according to the charts I have at least 32.2 pounds to go. It’s like my logical brain gets it, but my
emotional brain is completely confused.
How can this body I have right now not be considered healthy? It’s so comfortable! And I look good!
Even typing this now, I feel the hives of anxiety prickling
on my back. For fuck’s sake, I don’t
want to talk about this. It is so damn
uncomfortable – like poking my soft underbelly that doesn’t want to be
touched. I have to admit that I have no
idea what it feels like to be ‘physically normal.’
This would explain why I’ve had emotional freak-outs about
every 10-15 pounds on my current journey.
The first anxiety attack came on July 18, 2012 at 22 pounds lost. That weight is where I had been from about
2009 – 2011. It was my most recent body
I had become accustomed to, and I had to say goodbye. That was the body I had been promoted to
manager in, the one where people recognized me as professionally
excellent. The one I started dating my
fiancé in. The one he found sexy. Where I felt sexy and loved and found –
finally. Then it happened again at 30
pounds lost around August 25th.
This is the body I was promoted from assistant to account
executive. The one that the competing
paper recruited me in. That I was called
the ‘best rep they had ever had in their department.’ The one where I got the call to go back to my
old company because they missed me so badly.
And then at 50 pounds lost mark in December I didn’t even
believe it. I got on the scale, and then
got off again for about 10 minutes in my bathroom that morning. I still didn’t believe it. I had reached the point of original weight
gain in college. This is the body my
whole lindy-hopping dance scene which I was obsessed with from 2005-2007 knows
me to be before the weight started creeping on again. Now, here is a form of myself that I haven’t
seen in ages. The shock felt
inexplicably like depression. What the
fuck does that mean?
Even now, I’ve lost another 7.8 pounds since the 50 pound
mark and I’m in completely new territory.
I never spent very long at this particular weight point – it’s always
been a passing through territory – either up or down. No one really knows me at this size. Hell, I don’t even know me at this size. There are wisps of thoughts such as “will
people still like me for me in my new form?”
“Will they still recognize my intelligence in the new package?” The answer, hopefully, is yes – but there
are weird behaviors by those around me that are negative that are also hard to
cope with.
Like, for example – the winking ratio has gone up
recently. I find that cute, yet also
schmoozy. Point to ring finger. Totally taken dude. On the opposite end, there was a guy at work
who was always overly-friendly to me and now that I’ve gotten visibly skinner
is a total dickbag. What is your
problem? I was never available to you in
the first place, but this behavior is confusing and at the same time
exhausting. I’ve had boyfriends in the
past when I’ve lost weight accuse me of getting skinnier so I could get away
from them. That came out of left field
and was completely untrue (at least for me) – the only reason I truly want to
lose weight is for myself so I feel better – not to hurt or harm anyone around
me. In short, sometimes my weight loss
triggers behavior in someone else that has nothing to do with me, yet sometimes
it’s hurtful behavior. It’s hard to
deal with, but I’ve been trying to have thicker skin about it this time around
since I know it’s coming.
Does this all really just boil down to ‘no one likes change,
and just try to do what makes me happy?’
Yet, I’m dealing with both sides of the coin – on one side I don’t like
change and on the other I’m losing weight for myself. Push pull.
Push pull. It’s like emotional
diarrhea. After all these trips to the
bathroom, I’m hoping it will run its course and I’ll feel good at the end of
it. It’s all new, and I guess all forms
of me could be considered normal. I
think I just need to strap on my seat belt a little tighter and buckle in tight
for the rest of the ride.
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