The Dreaded Plateau

March 15, 2013

40.5 Pound to go

There is nothing like working hard all week with calorie counting and exercise then getting on the scale on Saturday morning to sing the “what the fuck?!>@*^%#$” song.   It doesn’t move.  Or the needle goes up.  What’s even worse is when 2 weeks go by with no movement.  Then if a third week or more passes by true frustration sets in.

When it’s only one week of no-scale-budging standard rationalizations get me through the morning.  I know I wasn’t as good this week or my period is coming and I forgot (again).   Every month I have at least one week of no movement with the scale because of the dreaded period bloat.  But at least I know (most of the time) it’s coming so it doesn’t make me too upset.  Although some days I still grumble and kick the cat.  It can’t be helped.  Mike can tell by the look on my face if it was a good scale day.

Like I said, it’s when those 2 or more weeks go by when I start to wonder what’s wrong.  I find the number-one-favorite-all-time excuse people use when they’re not losing is “oh, don’t worry, you probably just converted fat to muscle so you are still losing you just can’t tell.”  The thing is, after scouring the internet and trying to do some research with fitness gurus, how much work does it actually take to convert a pound of fat into a pound of muscle?  How long does it take?  The stark truth is that nobody seems to know the conversion.  They’re good at platitudes like:

“Oh, don’t worry just keep going, it will come off!” 

“You’re toning what you have.”

“You have to lose the fat before you see the muscle.”

Umm, thanks for the encouragement but none of these answers give me facts that I can work with and half of them don’t even answer the question I asked.  I want a straight answer like strength training twice a week for a half an hour will build a pound of muscle?  Or is it three times a week?  Cardio exercise in general four times a week?  How about major hiking on the weekend?  Still, no clue.

From my own experience, this is what I’ve found with the great fat to muscle ratio question:

1)          1) Extreme exercise: I’ve noticed when I go to the extreme with exercise where I hit under my net calorie goal by 300 calories or more every day for a week [Math: 1600 calories of food minus 500 calories exercise equals 1100 net calories for the day and 300 under goal] or more I don’t lose weight.  This also means for the week I’m somewhere between 1500-2000 under my net weekly goal. [9800 net weekly calorie goal].  My guess is I’m either building muscle or kicking my body into starvation mode.

2)       2)  Strength Training: I did do the P90X program going on 2 years ago now.  I did it faithfully, every day only taking 1 day off a week to rest.  I think I made it around the 70 day mark before I gave up.  My best guestimate is I put on 10-15 pounds of muscle with this program.

The other excuse I use a lot that I actually believe is true is a body recalibration.  There are many scientific math things happening with the chemistry of my body that I can’t even begin to understand, but I do know that naturally it wants to preserve fat “for later.”  The just-in-case survival situation so you won’t die if you can’t get to food.  I believe (again, I don’t have any facts to back this up, just feedback I’ve gathered over the years) if you begin to lose weight rapidly your body goes “whoa! Hang on a minute.  Not so fast!  This could be an emergency.  Put on the breaks.  No more fat leaves this body without level 7 security clearance.”

Technically, I think this is what they call starvation mode.

My proof to back up this claim is the weight where my body tends to plateau.  It happens suspiciously at weights I’ve spent a great deal of time at in the past.  In August when I hit my first plateau for almost a month but it was also the same weight I had been it for the previous 2-3 years.  My body was used to it.  In the past I’ve always plateau’ed at what will be the 26 pounds to go mark because I spent almost all of high school there and a big part of college.  Chemically, I think it’s the power of the familiar.

So how do you get past the hump?  Answer: change.  (groan.)  If you get into a routine where you eat the same exact thing every week – even if it’s at your goal, your body will adapt.  If you do the identical elliptical machine work out for weeks on end, your body will also adapt.  The change doesn’t have to be a butt-buster extreme workout routine replete with diet pills and 1100-calorie-a-day starvation but something small.  Switch up your vegetables.  Crack down on the MyFitnessPal tracking if you’ve been getting lax with not logging the extra cookies.  Try different proteins.  Cut out one food item you think may make a difference.  (My experiment recently is cutting back on red meat.  In August with the first plateau is when I experimented with cutting out gluten and it worked.)  If you walk every day try walking every other day and mixing it up with weight training.  Throw in sit ups and push ups before you go to bed.  Typically doing one small thing differently is what gets me past the hump.  That and pressing onward even though I’m frustrated.

The biggest thing with the “change” advice is when I say “change up your routine” oftentimes people hear “go exercise like a rabid monkey and stop eating.”  To which I say: never underestimate the power of lowering the bar with your expectations.

Put in another way, have you ever experienced something like this at work?

I've said both at work and gotten more praise when I said they were nuts.

When it comes to weight, I think we expect to act like rabid starving monkeys and lose 5 pounds in a week when in reality it’s almost impossible to do.  You either kick your body into starvation mode and it holds onto the fat or you couldn’t possibly cut enough calories in a week to lose 5 pounds.  However, normal weight loss is 1 pound a week and rapid weight loss is more than 2 pounds a week.  If you go into this journey expecting to lose 2 pounds or more a week consistently; honey your expectations are amiss.  Lower the bar.  It will make you happier.  And give you a goal you can achieve rather than chucking the whole thing.

Once in awhile there’s still a freak weight-gain when you’ve been good or a plateau you can’t explain.  A few weeks ago I got sick and gained 5 pounds but it came right off at the end of the week once the last of the congestion drained.  I had no idea it was possible to gain 5 pounds of boogers.  As I’ve said no less than eight hundred thousand times already keep pressing on my friend.  I know it’s a platitude and I mocked it earlier in this blog, but it’s the only option left.  These past 2 weeks I didn’t lose and finally did this morning.  So, take it from me – I’m living it right now.

What the fuck is normal?

March 3, 2013

42.2 pounds to go

Ever since I started college, I’ve yo-yo’ed with weight.  First put on 40 pounds.  Then lost 50 pounds (low carb).  Then put on about 20 pounds by the time I graduated.  After college I packed on another 55 pounds to the 20.   Then came Optifast in 2004 and I lost 80 pounds.   Then from 2005 – 2012 I regained the 80 pounds.   In 2011 I lost about 25 pounds (P90X) then put it back on plus 15.  I feel like of the 15 years of my adult life I’ve either been in the process of not caring about my weight and letting it creep on or drastically dieting.  I’ve never had any awareness of ‘normal’ and I’ve only seen the ‘healthy range’ twice:  once when I lost the weight in college for about a month and then again in 2004 for about 2 months.  I have no real experience reaching a healthy weight and maintaining it.  It’s always been too hard. 

Since I’ve only had brief glimpses of what it’s like to be ‘skinny,’  I also don’t have any real knowledge of what it feels like, or what to expect.  I have no idea what ‘normal’ is.  Technically, I’ve been overweight just about my entire adult life – that’s what I know and that’s what feels normal to me.  It’s what I’m used to.  Even now, I feel terrific and thin although according to the charts I have at least 32.2 pounds to go.  It’s like my logical brain gets it, but my emotional brain is completely confused.  How can this body I have right now not be considered healthy?  It’s so comfortable!  And I look good!

Even typing this now, I feel the hives of anxiety prickling on my back.  For fuck’s sake, I don’t want to talk about this.  It is so damn uncomfortable – like poking my soft underbelly that doesn’t want to be touched.   I have to admit that I have no idea what it feels like to be ‘physically normal.’

This would explain why I’ve had emotional freak-outs about every 10-15 pounds on my current journey.  The first anxiety attack came on July 18, 2012 at 22 pounds lost.  That weight is where I had been from about 2009 – 2011.   It was my most recent body I had become accustomed to, and I had to say goodbye.   That was the body I had been promoted to manager in, the one where people recognized me as professionally excellent.  The one I started dating my fiancé in.  The one he found sexy.  Where I felt sexy and loved and found – finally.   Then it happened again at 30 pounds lost around August 25^th.    This is the body I was promoted from assistant to account executive.  The one that the competing paper recruited me in.  That I was called the ‘best rep they had ever had in their department.’  The one where I got the call to go back to my old company because they missed me so badly.

And then at 50 pounds lost mark in December I didn’t even believe it.  I got on the scale, and then got off again for about 10 minutes in my bathroom that morning.  I still didn’t believe it.  I had reached the point of original weight gain in college.  This is the body my whole lindy-hopping dance scene which I was obsessed with from 2005-2007 knows me to be before the weight started creeping on again.  Now, here is a form of myself that I haven’t seen in ages.  The shock felt inexplicably like depression.  What the fuck does that mean?

Even now, I’ve lost another 7.8 pounds since the 50 pound mark and I’m in completely new territory.  I never spent very long at this particular weight point – it’s always been a passing through territory – either up or down.  No one really knows me at this size.  Hell, I don’t even know me at this size.  There are wisps of thoughts such as “will people still like me for me in my new form?”  “Will they still recognize my intelligence in the new package?”   The answer, hopefully, is yes – but there are weird behaviors by those around me that are negative that are also hard to cope with.

Like, for example – the winking ratio has gone up recently.  I find that cute, yet also schmoozy.  Point to ring finger.  Totally taken dude.   On the opposite end, there was a guy at work who was always overly-friendly to me and now that I’ve gotten visibly skinner is a total dickbag.   What is your problem?  I was never available to you in the first place, but this behavior is confusing and at the same time exhausting.  I’ve had boyfriends in the past when I’ve lost weight accuse me of getting skinnier so I could get away from them.  That came out of left field and was completely untrue (at least for me) – the only reason I truly want to lose weight is for myself so I feel better – not to hurt or harm anyone around me.  In short, sometimes my weight loss triggers behavior in someone else that has nothing to do with me, yet sometimes it’s hurtful behavior.   It’s hard to deal with, but I’ve been trying to have thicker skin about it this time around since I know it’s coming.

Does this all really just boil down to ‘no one likes change, and just try to do what makes me happy?’  Yet, I’m dealing with both sides of the coin – on one side I don’t like change and on the other I’m losing weight for myself.  Push pull.  Push pull.  It’s like emotional diarrhea.   After all these trips to the bathroom, I’m hoping it will run its course and I’ll feel good at the end of it.  It’s all new, and I guess all forms of me could be considered normal.   I think I just need to strap on my seat belt a little tighter and buckle in tight for the rest of the ride.

Get help if you can’t do it on your own.

February 25, 2013

43.9 pounds to go

I am a Capricorn and live up to my stubborn goat nature.  I don’t care if no one else can accomplish x, y, z, I am going to do it better and without any help, thank you very much.   You are an idiot for your inability to perform and I must be weak if I can’t do it on my own.

This of course, is rubbish, but nonetheless it’s ingrained in my core, so I have a hard time letting it go.   I’ve been headstrong for as long as I can remember -- when I was five years old I came marching in after pre-school and demanded my parents stop calling me Dolly (my nickname up until that point) and call me Bonnie because that was my name.   I kicked my mom out of my room to dress myself and tie my shoes at a very early age and I remember saying “stop it, I can do it myself” a lot.   Throughout my life, people say “I don’t know where she gets it from” and “she’s always been a self starter,” but I don’t even know where it comes from.  It’s been there before cognitive thinking even took root in my brain.  Was I born with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe.

Even now, I have an extremely difficult time asking for help.   With work, I have a bad habit of taking on too much and delegating some lesser responsibilities can feel like tearing off an arm.  I feel the constant need to prove myself (especially now that my company was acquired and I'm once again a the bottom of the food chain) and since I am a producer, I tend to get more tasks dumped on me because I can handle more than most.  It takes a lot of courage to say “I need help” or “I need to move this project or account to person x, y, z” because then it would seem like I can’t handle my job.  And then if I can’t handle it they’ll consider me weak.  And if they consider me weak then I’m going to get fired.  It triggers a destructive line of thinking which doesn’t do me any good.  What I need to do is admit that I need to task some responsibilities and and not worry about what people might think of my performance.

Does this mean I ask for help every single time that I need it?  No.  I still get stubborn.  What I find happens when I don’t ask for the help I need is grump-master-McGee emerges.  I compartmentalize my frustration and then that frustration is always there instead of being released.  Then I get angry because I need help.  And then another task is dumped on me when I’m already at capacity.  So instead of being able to ask nicely for something I’m cornered and have to say “no way” to another project.  Or someone demands me to do something when I’m overloaded and it’s all I can do to run to the bathroom and cry before anyone sees me.

When it comes to food especially, it seems silly that I would need assistance.  On one hand, with general thinking, it seems like what I choose to put in my mouth and harnessing self-control should be easy, because after all, I’m the only one eating for my body.  I’m the only one taking the action and I’m the only person it affects.  Presto!  Easy!   I think this is why so many people don’t seek help because the perception is that it should be simple.  And when we struggle it triggers a “shame” button (at least in me).   Once that door is opened, it can let in a flood of self-destructive behavior.  Flog me! I’ve failed!

In reality, weight loss is one of the hardest fucking things in the world to do.  Why?  Because to lose weight, I have to fundamentally change my eating habits for life. 

Now, if I’ve been saying “I can do this on my own” since I was at least 5 years old and need help for the first time, you bet your ass it’s going to be hard to ask.  I’ve been eating without awareness or control nearly all my life (my Mom paid attention for me when I was young, thanks Mom!) and now I have to pay attention AND force myself to stop after 1400 calories every day?  I can feel my body tense up already and prepare for battle.  “La resistance!  Prepare to storm zee castle.  Ve will not let zese reediculous new thoughts block our joie de vivre – la food!”  People always say that no one likes change, but there’s a difference between not liking it and acknowledging that you’re experiencing it.  It’s easy to point a finger at someone else and say “you’re acting like a monkey because you don’t like change.”  But to point it at oneself and admit “I’m acting foolish because I don’t want to change” is infinitely more difficult.

Ultimately, like I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I have to deal with loss.  I’m losing my chance to eat everything in sight.  I’m losing my rationalization.  I’m losing the justification to eat a loaf of bread.  I’m losing a pillar of support I thought I had when I get overloaded.  No more extra food.  No more of what I thought was giving me comfort.

That’s where the help comes in.  How do you get it?  Where do you go?  What works best?  There are a lot of answers to these questions.  When I did the Optifast diet back in 2004, the best part of the program was the support group.  In order to participate, it was mandatory to go to a group therapy session once a week – then you got your shake mix at the end.  I learned things in those classes that even stick with me today.  They were individual lessons that add up to the ability to change.  The programs that seem to get the most long-lasting kudos like Weight Watchers do this.   Also, with Overeaters Anonymous you can find support groups almost anywhere every day and go sit in for an hour.  I think this is particularly helpful because you can find a sponsor who will help you in your times of need.  Someone to call when you’re feeling weak.  While I didn’t go to this program, my brother recently lost a lot of weight and in the beginning I would call him instead of reaching for keys to drive to fast food.  Just having him there to talk me off the food-ledge provided that extra something I couldn’t do on my own.

Where else?  If you’re not someone who likes to get support in person, there are online forums.  MyFitnessPal has an online streaming section that shows what your friends are doing and you can also go online and chat with like-minded people.  I’m sure a good google-ing session would provide endless  forums where you can find health buddies.  For me, writing through my journey has been a fundamental thing that keeps me on track, and all my readers who give me support are extremely helpful.

If you’re not into sharing your feelings with a group or don’t like the online world, I would recommend one-on-one therapy.  This method has always worked best for me.  Since I don’t like to ask for help in the first place, oftentimes I let it go too long and then schedule an appointment and say “I’m going crazy!”  and then she says “I can’t believe you’re dealing with the level of stress you have, you’re not crazy.”  And then I leave more balanced.  It’s easier for me to hash out my feelings one-on-one on an uncomfortable subject with someone who has and objective eye and has my best interest at heart.  She’s the one who helped me realize that stuffing myself for comfort was unusual as well as finding out where the “I want it all” syndrome came from.  Sometimes I just go in and cry my eyes out for an hour and I know she will hear me.  It’s confidential, private and I would highly recommend it.  Of course, it may take a few tries to find the right person to listen, but they’re out there.

Even though it sounds like a cliché, asking for help is never easy.  And you never realize how hard it truly is until you have to ask for it.   I will jump hoops, go into denial, fall into an exhausted heap and put up other huge walls before I break down and admit that I need help.  I can do two jobs at once.  I can lose 100 pounds on my own.  I can be emotionally unaffected by change.  Plus plan a wedding at the same time.   This is about the time I’ve had friends say “woman, are you insane?  How are you doing this?”  Then I go to therapy and learn how to get my balance back.  It’s something I have to work at every day and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Dealing With Big Events

February 16, 2013

44.2 pounds to go

I realize that throughout this blog I’ve whined frequently about how tough it is to avoid over-eating at family events.   I point my finger at my family and cry “it’s your fault that you’re pushing 17 pounds of food in my face when I’m trying to be so good!  Why are you doing this to me?  Sob.”  This isn’t fair to myself or to my family.  Ultimately, they are not the ones chewing, swallowing and making the choices – that’s up to me.

I will admit that there is typically so much food at these events that it’s easy to get overwhelmed.  Dishes of chocolate.  Cookies.  Bowls of chips.  Alcohol.  And of course, the main meal event.  Then dessert.  That is a hell of a lot of calories lying around and can be hard to resist.  So what can I do?

First, I’ve found that party hosts fall into 3 general categories when it comes to food pushing:

1. They want to make sure everyone is fed so they put out a big spread.  They tell you it’s available and offer.
2. They want to make sure everyone is fed so they put out a big spread.   They insist you try everything.  They offer seconds, thirds and sevenths.  Then they urge you take some of the leftovers home.
3. WASP-y parties.  Expect only tiny appetizers and a lot of white wine.  I always leave these parties drunk and hungry.

Whether any of these three situations are the standard normal or not, I can’t be sure – it’s just what I have experienced the most over the years.  I find I’m the most comfortable when I’m not ordered to try the cake and made to feel guilty if I don’t.  I like it when the food’s available and I can choose what I want (or don’t want) without feeling the judgment reigning down upon me.  In some cases, I’m sure that the judgment is in my mind, but in others I’m not so sure.

Next, all the standard preparations for eating at a restaurant apply to a party.  Try to exercise before to bank up a few extra calories.   The promise to exercise after an event is futile – no one wants to go for a walk, drunk tired and stuffed.   Eat more protein earlier in the day so you don’t feel the need to overindulge.   Wait 10 minutes before you go for seconds.  Log the damage in your calorie counter.  And always, if all else fails, be quick to forgive and get back on the wagon the next day to avoid a backwards-slide.  There’s no one magic bullet cure, just lots of little tips that add up to overall self-control.

I do have a secret weapon in my back pocket for these events: lying.  For those party-throwers whose faces fall when you refuse the cake use these handy fibs:

1. I’m lactose intolerant
2. I’m gluten sensitive
3. I can’t eat a lot of grease
4. I can’t eat x, y, z food, it upsets my stomach.

For some reason, if you attach the excuse to a health problem, food pushers will generally back off because they don’t want to make you sick.  However, if you say “I’m on a diet” or “I’m on a health kick” most often they will roll their eyes (mentally) and still follow you around with the ice cream cake until you take a bite.

For me, items 1 and 2 are true, so I don’t feel as bad about it.  Not to go into detail, but if I had the ice cream and cake the first thing that would happen is a mad dash to the bathroom then a splitting headache.  No thanks.  They’re also convenient because I can easily say no to ice cream, cake, cookies and chips (the biggest calorie offenders) without offending anyone.  Even if you don’t have the same affliction, now you know the results so please feel free to use them as an excuse!

Like anything else with a lifestyle change, dealing with events becomes easier with practice.  I’ve trained myself for so many years to get ready to dig in and eat everything in sight at parties because that’s what I felt was expected of me.  Plus, I wanted to – there’s no hiding from that.  The first party I went to when I started logging my food was torture.  Then it got a little easier, and a little easier.  Now, I still have my moments at parties but I don’t feel scared or anxious when I walk in the door.  Now I know what to do.