Number two

August 18, 2012

73.5 pounds to go

I'm not a huge fan of talking about what comes out of my rear end.  In fact, I am the self-proclaimed prude who rolls her eyes at fart jokes and just doesn't get it when someone comes out of the bathroom proud.  I come from a family that gets immeasurable entertainment from their butts.  Seriously.  It's endless.  Have I inherited a computer that has videos of 2 people lighting their farts on fire? Check. (Oh, what is this video? Click. Holy shit is that George??)  Run away from someone who ripped a loud one in a public parking lot? Check. Know someone who's boyfriend texted them a video clip of their farts? Check. Had to make a rule when I was a kid that there was no farting at the kitchen table? Check.  Then my personal favorite: "my mom was cruel and made me go fart in the bathroom."  And I'm thinking, "what's wrong with that?  What is so wrong with keeping your shit (literally) to yourself?"  Being afflicted with gas has never been my issue (the gods gave me cellulite and ill-placed hairs instead) so I can't relate with the unbridled joy at letting one fly.  It's like guys night, there's what I think is happening, when in truth, the best part of their night tends to be farting and video games.

Pass the porn please.

But, being aware of what you put in your mouth and what comes out of your ass is something that can not be ignored.  Therefore, this may be the one time I am unbridled in my quest for fart jokes.  Enjoy it folks! 

Let's start with the basics.  I'd like to preface this with I'm not a doctor and have no expert knowledge.  This is everything I've gleaned from experimenting with healthier food choices and the advice from countless diet programs.  First, eat fiber.  For me, between 16-25 grams a day is my goal and I get it all from food to keep things running smoothly.  Cherries, veggies, and my carb portions will normally do it.  

Second, there should be 1-2 trips to the bathroom for number 2 a day. If this is not happening, there's an ejection problem.  

Third, pay attention to what's going into your mouth and what's coming out of your ass.  If you're eating fast food and big fuck-off sandwiches for lunch then running to the bathroom with the Big D twice a day, something is wrong.  For years I would eat garbage for lunch and then suffer for the rest of the afternoon at work, and I just thought it was normal.  I didn't even realize how badly I was abusing my body.   Now I recognize that fast-clipped pace by a co-worker to the bathroom with a desperate look which says "I hope to god no one else is in there, because I am going to destroy it."  I used to think my system was healthy, because obviously things were coming out ok.  No, my body was trying to detoxify on a daily basis and I was making it start over again every.single.day.  I watch people sucking down pepto bismal, tums, and complaining of heartburn and indigestion when the solution is (wait for it) don't eat things that make you shit your guts out!  

I've done a little experimenting with junk food to see what my body can and can't handle.  I don't eat fast food anymore (that stopped about a year and a half ago).  It's just too fat saturated and now when I eat it, my body literally acts like it's been poisoned.   I've also tried eating chain-restaurant Chinese and suffered. (I didn't even get to eat that much!)  However, I have had success with burritos.  I can get a California buritto, take out half the french fries & steak and have no adverse affects.  I'm also lactose-intolerant which limits more of my choices.  Is it unfair that I can't eat ice cream?  Probably, but I'd rather skip it and avoid the ensuing animal-balloon festival that will take place in my stomach.  Every one's body is different, and what might make me run to the bathroom in misery may not have the same effect on someone else and vice versa.

I think as a culture, we also have this fascination with "cleansing," "detoxifying," and "cleaning out our systems" but as a bottom line, we don't really know what that means.  I've known people who've taken an epic trip to the bathroom and come back saying "wow, I really cleaned out my system."  Just because you water-birthed a pizza does not mean you did the proverbial housekeeping.  It means you ate a huge meal and it just came out of your ass.  

Seriously.

In my mind, the solution is to keep it simple.  Here are the basics that I've learned:

1) Find fiber in your daily food intake.  Stay at the goal for your body size.  Eat too much and there is going to be a fart festival. (Oh, you got my whole department Fiber-1 bars as a treat?  How nice of you.  Pfffffttt) 

2) If you're running to the bathroom with the big D more than once a day, something in your diet has to change.

3) If you can help it, don't take fiber supplements, tums or pepto bismal, it's like putting a band-aid over a bomb.  It still wants to explode.  Better to change your diet instead and fix the core of the problem.

4) Try to eat fruit first.  If you eat fruit after a meal, it's like putting a top coat of sugar fermantation and it WILL leak out of your butt.

5) Be careful with super-high fiber foods (5 or more grams a serving).  They are good for you, but eating huge portions is going to lead to fireworks.  There's a reason there's a song about beans. (Although, they should write one for raw hummus and eggplant too.  They're undercover.)

6) If it upsets your stomach, don't eat it.

7) If it comes out ominously dark, green or bloody (ew ew ew!) you're not eating the right foods for your body.

The best advice I can give is pay attention.  Things that trip up our intestines in the form of farting, diarrhea, constipation, or overwhelmingly large dumps are a sign that our bodies are suffering.  If you eat like shit, chances are you will not be able to shit.  I think as Americans, we are hard-wired to eat for convenience and fun so we collectively ignore the warning signs that our bodies are unhappy.  A.K.A. "I am going to drink this milk and not make the connection that this is making me shit my guts out all the time!"  Stop ignoring the advice your body is giving and start listening instead.