Insert clever euphemism here. (Yes, I'm going to talk about that thing…)

August 25, 2012

70 pounds to go

Let me start off by saying that I have been playing with the same 3 pounds for almost a month.  It was my first official plateau plus I gained 2 pounds when I went on vacation.  This morning I stepped on the scale and hit my first mini-goal: 30 pounds lost.

This literally happened this morning.

I spent a lot of time as an experimental exercise maniac this week, tackling an enormous mountain and I was on the elliptical machine in our condo's exercise room while there was an HOA meeting going on.  Reaching my target heart rate while listening to the other residents complain about how no one picks up after their dogs is an interesting experience.

On to this week's subject: the period.  Two unintentional gross-out weeks in a row!  I'm thinking the boys are tempted to hit the "close window" button right now as this does not apply to them, but having a little insight into the opposite sex's monthly experience never hurt anyone.  I encourage the boys to keep reading with an open mind.

There are a few things that come with ye ol' period week that drive me crazy.  The first is weight gain.  It's all bloating and water, but every month I gain 1-3 pounds the week before the bleeding hits.  And every time it's a surprise.  I'll get on the scale for my weekly weigh-in and say "what the fuck? I was so fucking good this week?!?!"  Then I remember, "ah yes, it's about that time."  The good news is that it's a literal warning to something I consistently forget even though my body works like a fine-tuned swiss clock to bring me my period every 28-30 days.  I feel silly that I have the "oh yeah" moment nearly every month, but I'm not quite sure as how to fix that.

For me, all the annoying period symptoms that interrupt my weight loss come the week before -- bloating, weight gain and PMS.  Some women get it at this time, some get it during the actual bleeding.  Again, I'm not a doctor so I'm not sure why that difference occurs, all I know is that it does occur.  I've kept track of the weight gain the past few months and one month it was 1.9 pounds and the next it was 2.9.  That may not seem like a whole lot, but when my goal is to lose 1.5 - 2 pounds a week it initially seems like I hit a backward slide on a monthly basis.  However, to my surprise (and delight) every time I get on the scale after it's over the weight gain disappears.  I think the biggest challenge is when the weight gain happens and we're in the midst of a tough day not to reach for the extra servings of potatoes.  That's where the real gain could happen.

On another note with bloating, I can feel the literal difference in my womb -- like it's swollen and needs a cuddle.  There's something about my body chemistry with the water imbalance that brings on more depression-like symptoms rather than PMS.  (Although technically, I think that's part of the definition of PMS)  I've been told that diuretics can help with this (like diucaps) which I tried for a few months, but honestly I didn't see that big of a difference.  That's another one of those things they ask you to consult your doctor on before giving it a whirl.  I think that hormonal birth control also does this to some extent.  It has happened more than once where I say "goddamn, what the fuck is wrong with me?"  I'll be oversensitive to regular comments and cry at Disney movies.  Then I remember (again), "ah yes, it's about that time."

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: PMS and mood swings are a natural part of the female cycle.  However, I do not think it makes us into raving-lunatic banshees who will sacrifice the first man who gets near us to the proverbial period gods.  I have consistently heard a lot of PMS-hate talk over the years as an excuse to bash women and their abilities.  That we're 'hysterical' or 'unable to control ourselves' to which I say: nonsense!  Yes, we may be susceptible to a few more tears or sensitivity but our brains have not been high-jacked.  We are still vibrant, capable, smart and astute.  Just because we have a biological off-day once and awhile does not make an automatic lunatics.  Who in this world hasn't had an off day?  Male and female alike?

Once the actual flow gets here it's a relief.  Finally, let me bleed bitches!  Yes, it's messy and a pain-in-the-uterus but I'm so used to it that it's not such a big deal anymore.  I try to control my cramps by pre-medicating with ibuprofen -- taken correctly it can actually stem the bleeding a bit too.  It's not terrific for my body, but I go with the 3-3-3 rule.  Three ibuprofen in the morning, three in the afternoon and if I still need it, 3 at night.  (Oftentimes, I don't need the last three)  Some doctors will tell you this is fine, some would probably give me a few lashings for taking so much but I am one of those women who is blessed with particularly heavy flows so I am comfortable with this solution.  I also try to be nice to myself with hot baths and rice bags - a home remedy heating pad.  Another strange solution that acts as an anti-inflammatory for me is extremely hoppy beer.  The stereotype is women guzzling down red wine to cut the pain but I find it only works as an immediate solution since the cramps come back in a few hours along with a headache from the vino.  However, if I drink an IPA it often helps cut back the pain for up to a whole day.  I don't know how it works, but it does.

Overall, the ladies have a lot going on down there during period time.  Yes, it can be annoying but I try to think of it as a reminder that I'm female.  A positive reminder.  If I didn't get my period every month I would feel like there was part of me that was missing that makes me a girl.  It's like if I didn't have my boobs I would feel a little lost.  Isn't this part of what makes me me?  

Sometimes the warped wall still gets me.

I like that I get to go through this life being a woman.  Yes, men have the stereotypical step-up when it comes to getting ahead, but they get to have their own set of problems like wet dreams, an unexpected boner and ball sweat that I will (thankfully) never have to deal with.  I will never find myself in a situation where I feel the need to kick the shit out of someone to prove my macho-ness or know what it's like to have 'outside plumbing.'  I embrace the body the universe gave me, with all of it's flaws and perks.