Insert clever euphemism here. (Yes, I'm going to talk about that thing…)

August 25, 2012

70 pounds to go

Let me start off by saying that I have been playing with the same 3 pounds for almost a month.  It was my first official plateau plus I gained 2 pounds when I went on vacation.  This morning I stepped on the scale and hit my first mini-goal: 30 pounds lost.

This literally happened this morning.

I spent a lot of time as an experimental exercise maniac this week, tackling an enormous mountain and I was on the elliptical machine in our condo's exercise room while there was an HOA meeting going on.  Reaching my target heart rate while listening to the other residents complain about how no one picks up after their dogs is an interesting experience.

On to this week's subject: the period.  Two unintentional gross-out weeks in a row!  I'm thinking the boys are tempted to hit the "close window" button right now as this does not apply to them, but having a little insight into the opposite sex's monthly experience never hurt anyone.  I encourage the boys to keep reading with an open mind.

There are a few things that come with ye ol' period week that drive me crazy.  The first is weight gain.  It's all bloating and water, but every month I gain 1-3 pounds the week before the bleeding hits.  And every time it's a surprise.  I'll get on the scale for my weekly weigh-in and say "what the fuck? I was so fucking good this week?!?!"  Then I remember, "ah yes, it's about that time."  The good news is that it's a literal warning to something I consistently forget even though my body works like a fine-tuned swiss clock to bring me my period every 28-30 days.  I feel silly that I have the "oh yeah" moment nearly every month, but I'm not quite sure as how to fix that.

For me, all the annoying period symptoms that interrupt my weight loss come the week before -- bloating, weight gain and PMS.  Some women get it at this time, some get it during the actual bleeding.  Again, I'm not a doctor so I'm not sure why that difference occurs, all I know is that it does occur.  I've kept track of the weight gain the past few months and one month it was 1.9 pounds and the next it was 2.9.  That may not seem like a whole lot, but when my goal is to lose 1.5 - 2 pounds a week it initially seems like I hit a backward slide on a monthly basis.  However, to my surprise (and delight) every time I get on the scale after it's over the weight gain disappears.  I think the biggest challenge is when the weight gain happens and we're in the midst of a tough day not to reach for the extra servings of potatoes.  That's where the real gain could happen.

On another note with bloating, I can feel the literal difference in my womb -- like it's swollen and needs a cuddle.  There's something about my body chemistry with the water imbalance that brings on more depression-like symptoms rather than PMS.  (Although technically, I think that's part of the definition of PMS)  I've been told that diuretics can help with this (like diucaps) which I tried for a few months, but honestly I didn't see that big of a difference.  That's another one of those things they ask you to consult your doctor on before giving it a whirl.  I think that hormonal birth control also does this to some extent.  It has happened more than once where I say "goddamn, what the fuck is wrong with me?"  I'll be oversensitive to regular comments and cry at Disney movies.  Then I remember (again), "ah yes, it's about that time."

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: PMS and mood swings are a natural part of the female cycle.  However, I do not think it makes us into raving-lunatic banshees who will sacrifice the first man who gets near us to the proverbial period gods.  I have consistently heard a lot of PMS-hate talk over the years as an excuse to bash women and their abilities.  That we're 'hysterical' or 'unable to control ourselves' to which I say: nonsense!  Yes, we may be susceptible to a few more tears or sensitivity but our brains have not been high-jacked.  We are still vibrant, capable, smart and astute.  Just because we have a biological off-day once and awhile does not make an automatic lunatics.  Who in this world hasn't had an off day?  Male and female alike?

Once the actual flow gets here it's a relief.  Finally, let me bleed bitches!  Yes, it's messy and a pain-in-the-uterus but I'm so used to it that it's not such a big deal anymore.  I try to control my cramps by pre-medicating with ibuprofen -- taken correctly it can actually stem the bleeding a bit too.  It's not terrific for my body, but I go with the 3-3-3 rule.  Three ibuprofen in the morning, three in the afternoon and if I still need it, 3 at night.  (Oftentimes, I don't need the last three)  Some doctors will tell you this is fine, some would probably give me a few lashings for taking so much but I am one of those women who is blessed with particularly heavy flows so I am comfortable with this solution.  I also try to be nice to myself with hot baths and rice bags - a home remedy heating pad.  Another strange solution that acts as an anti-inflammatory for me is extremely hoppy beer.  The stereotype is women guzzling down red wine to cut the pain but I find it only works as an immediate solution since the cramps come back in a few hours along with a headache from the vino.  However, if I drink an IPA it often helps cut back the pain for up to a whole day.  I don't know how it works, but it does.

Overall, the ladies have a lot going on down there during period time.  Yes, it can be annoying but I try to think of it as a reminder that I'm female.  A positive reminder.  If I didn't get my period every month I would feel like there was part of me that was missing that makes me a girl.  It's like if I didn't have my boobs I would feel a little lost.  Isn't this part of what makes me me?  

Sometimes the warped wall still gets me.

I like that I get to go through this life being a woman.  Yes, men have the stereotypical step-up when it comes to getting ahead, but they get to have their own set of problems like wet dreams, an unexpected boner and ball sweat that I will (thankfully) never have to deal with.  I will never find myself in a situation where I feel the need to kick the shit out of someone to prove my macho-ness or know what it's like to have 'outside plumbing.'  I embrace the body the universe gave me, with all of it's flaws and perks.

Number two

August 18, 2012

73.5 pounds to go

I'm not a huge fan of talking about what comes out of my rear end.  In fact, I am the self-proclaimed prude who rolls her eyes at fart jokes and just doesn't get it when someone comes out of the bathroom proud.  I come from a family that gets immeasurable entertainment from their butts.  Seriously.  It's endless.  Have I inherited a computer that has videos of 2 people lighting their farts on fire? Check. (Oh, what is this video? Click. Holy shit is that George??)  Run away from someone who ripped a loud one in a public parking lot? Check. Know someone who's boyfriend texted them a video clip of their farts? Check. Had to make a rule when I was a kid that there was no farting at the kitchen table? Check.  Then my personal favorite: "my mom was cruel and made me go fart in the bathroom."  And I'm thinking, "what's wrong with that?  What is so wrong with keeping your shit (literally) to yourself?"  Being afflicted with gas has never been my issue (the gods gave me cellulite and ill-placed hairs instead) so I can't relate with the unbridled joy at letting one fly.  It's like guys night, there's what I think is happening, when in truth, the best part of their night tends to be farting and video games.

Pass the porn please.

But, being aware of what you put in your mouth and what comes out of your ass is something that can not be ignored.  Therefore, this may be the one time I am unbridled in my quest for fart jokes.  Enjoy it folks! 

Let's start with the basics.  I'd like to preface this with I'm not a doctor and have no expert knowledge.  This is everything I've gleaned from experimenting with healthier food choices and the advice from countless diet programs.  First, eat fiber.  For me, between 16-25 grams a day is my goal and I get it all from food to keep things running smoothly.  Cherries, veggies, and my carb portions will normally do it.  

Second, there should be 1-2 trips to the bathroom for number 2 a day. If this is not happening, there's an ejection problem.  

Third, pay attention to what's going into your mouth and what's coming out of your ass.  If you're eating fast food and big fuck-off sandwiches for lunch then running to the bathroom with the Big D twice a day, something is wrong.  For years I would eat garbage for lunch and then suffer for the rest of the afternoon at work, and I just thought it was normal.  I didn't even realize how badly I was abusing my body.   Now I recognize that fast-clipped pace by a co-worker to the bathroom with a desperate look which says "I hope to god no one else is in there, because I am going to destroy it."  I used to think my system was healthy, because obviously things were coming out ok.  No, my body was trying to detoxify on a daily basis and I was making it start over again every.single.day.  I watch people sucking down pepto bismal, tums, and complaining of heartburn and indigestion when the solution is (wait for it) don't eat things that make you shit your guts out!  

I've done a little experimenting with junk food to see what my body can and can't handle.  I don't eat fast food anymore (that stopped about a year and a half ago).  It's just too fat saturated and now when I eat it, my body literally acts like it's been poisoned.   I've also tried eating chain-restaurant Chinese and suffered. (I didn't even get to eat that much!)  However, I have had success with burritos.  I can get a California buritto, take out half the french fries & steak and have no adverse affects.  I'm also lactose-intolerant which limits more of my choices.  Is it unfair that I can't eat ice cream?  Probably, but I'd rather skip it and avoid the ensuing animal-balloon festival that will take place in my stomach.  Every one's body is different, and what might make me run to the bathroom in misery may not have the same effect on someone else and vice versa.

I think as a culture, we also have this fascination with "cleansing," "detoxifying," and "cleaning out our systems" but as a bottom line, we don't really know what that means.  I've known people who've taken an epic trip to the bathroom and come back saying "wow, I really cleaned out my system."  Just because you water-birthed a pizza does not mean you did the proverbial housekeeping.  It means you ate a huge meal and it just came out of your ass.  

Seriously.

In my mind, the solution is to keep it simple.  Here are the basics that I've learned:

1) Find fiber in your daily food intake.  Stay at the goal for your body size.  Eat too much and there is going to be a fart festival. (Oh, you got my whole department Fiber-1 bars as a treat?  How nice of you.  Pfffffttt) 

2) If you're running to the bathroom with the big D more than once a day, something in your diet has to change.

3) If you can help it, don't take fiber supplements, tums or pepto bismal, it's like putting a band-aid over a bomb.  It still wants to explode.  Better to change your diet instead and fix the core of the problem.

4) Try to eat fruit first.  If you eat fruit after a meal, it's like putting a top coat of sugar fermantation and it WILL leak out of your butt.

5) Be careful with super-high fiber foods (5 or more grams a serving).  They are good for you, but eating huge portions is going to lead to fireworks.  There's a reason there's a song about beans. (Although, they should write one for raw hummus and eggplant too.  They're undercover.)

6) If it upsets your stomach, don't eat it.

7) If it comes out ominously dark, green or bloody (ew ew ew!) you're not eating the right foods for your body.

The best advice I can give is pay attention.  Things that trip up our intestines in the form of farting, diarrhea, constipation, or overwhelmingly large dumps are a sign that our bodies are suffering.  If you eat like shit, chances are you will not be able to shit.  I think as Americans, we are hard-wired to eat for convenience and fun so we collectively ignore the warning signs that our bodies are unhappy.  A.K.A. "I am going to drink this milk and not make the connection that this is making me shit my guts out all the time!"  Stop ignoring the advice your body is giving and start listening instead.

Alcohol

August 11, 2012

75.6 pounds to go

To drink or not to drink?  This post comes at a good time since I just got back from Vegas and managed to drink enough alcohol to pickle an elephant on Tuesday.  It was the eve of our anniversary at the Ghost Bar, and drinking chocolate martinis while standing on a see-through floor 55 floors up seemed like a good idea.  More please!  

Any sane diet clinic, guru or nutritionist will tell you not to drink while trying to drop weight.  However, if you like a glass of wine with dinner and you plan on having alcohol as a small part of your life, not drinking now and starting at the finish line seems like a bad plan.  Again, this is not a race - this is a new lifestyle incorporation - so if you want to have a beer you better learn how to do it in moderation so as to not fuck up the weight loss.

This is not moderation.

So what is moderation?  A bottle of wine a night would not qualify.  Having a glass or two of wine every night would also not qualify.  However, having a glass of wine 2-4 times a week would qualify (4 is pushing it).  Typically this is what I do and it's on exercise days as to not steal from my basic nutritional needs.  Of course, once in a while we'll overdo it because we're human.  Damn straight get me another chocolate martini while I dance on this see-through floor!  What's my name again?

There are also two highly annoying qualities of alcohol.  First, it's full of empty calories.  Since we're dealing with something we want and not something we need, it's best to know what that looks like so we can set aside those calories to drink.  Between going out to dinner and having a drink at home, I never really knew what a serving looked like.  The size of the glass can be deceiving, and the more alcohol that goes into my system, the less I'm apt to care how it's affecting my calorie count.  And the better those midnight french fries are going to look.

Here are the gritty details:

Red and white wine has about 25 calories a fluid ounce.  So, an average 5 fl oz glass of wine is 125 calories. (Shown)

Beer is a sneaky bitch.  Craft beer can be loaded with calories. Bars will typically fill a glass to the brim which is slightly more than 12 ounces.  IPAs (my favorite) have on average 180 calories for 12 ounces.  I've seen some up to 240.  Porter: 190 - 220.  Stout: 190 - 320. Red Ale: 150-290. Heffeweizen: 150.  Pale Ale: 150-170.  Light (shitty) Beer: 95-110.

All calorie counters have hard alcohol by the fluid ounce, but most bars will serve you a full shot which is more like 1.5.  Shown is a single fluid ounce.  Vodka: 70 calories.  Scotch: 70 calories.  Baileys: 144. Sake: 40. Tequila: 70.

By the way, if you are into blended cocktails, give them a big sloppy wet kiss goodbye because they are worse than beer.  A 12 ounce pina coloda? Over 600 calories. Strawberry daiquiri: over 400 calories.  Sweetened martini drinks aren't horrible, but they're not great: cosmos coming in at 170 calories, lemon drop martini: 279 calories, chocolate martini: 260 calories.  

The second annoying quality is that alcohol gets a free pass to the front of the line with digestion.

Dial 1-800-I'M-BLOATED for club details.

No matter when you drink alcohol - when you're full, on an empty stomach (not recommended - hello barftown, USA), or beaching it on the couch after work, it's always going to be digested first.  So, if you had prime rib, loaded mash potatoes and ice cream for dinner and then start drinking your body will digest the alcohol and then all that butter.  As a rule, it takes an hour to digest every alcoholic drink so if you drink too much and it's taking to long for those mash potatoes to get their turn, they're probably going to book it to the nearest fat deposit.  I find if I just have one drink or half a drink, it digests quickly enough to let the dinner get to the front of the line.  However, after the 2 drink mark is when I start to have problems.  I've mainly switched my poison from beer to wine, but I'll still have a beer once a week as a treat.  I don't care what anyone says, IPAs are still the best! 

The Difference Between A Diet & A Lifestyle Change

August 10, 2012

75.6 pounds to go

When I first walked into the diet clinic, got on the scale and then burst into tears when the doctor walked out of the room I was in a very different place then I am now.  That initial visit was full of information that was truly shocking to me.  What motivated me to walk in the doors was the fact that I couldn't resist eating anything that wasn't nailed down because of the stress at work.  I had realized that in my 32 years of living, I never figured out how to properly feed myself, wanted to learn, but had no idea where to start.  Along with the scale (which is lucky to have survived the visit without extreme physical punishment) and the overwhelming eating plan, I also learned about another valuable tool: my resting metabolism.

One's resting metabolism is how many calories your body will burn in a given day according to height, weight, age & sex.  A quick trip to Google and entering "resting metabolic rate" will direct you to a number of sites that allows you to punch this info in and get a result.  (The best one I've found is http://www.bmi-calculator.net)  Currently, it tells me I burn about 1700 calories a day.  This means if I do nothing but lay on the couch marathoning "True Blood" and torturing my cat with the laser pointer I can eat 1700 calories and not gain weight.  Now, here comes the kicker:  if I punch in my target weight it will tell me I'm at 1367.

That's not fucking fair!

In my first few weeks of food mourning, I realized the simple fact that my current daily caloric intake of 1400 calories will be just about my resting metabolism at my ideal weight.  This is how I get to eat for the rest of my life.  And that my friends, is the difference between a diet and a lifestyle change.  It also means that the only way I will get to eat more is if I exercise.  

My second thought was "how did I go through my whole life (so far) not knowing this?"  And the information is so easy to access and figure out!  Why the fuck did nobody tell me?  I have been on more crash diets than I can count: you name it, I've probably tried it: Optifast, Low Carb, Fat Flush, P90X, Infomercial diet programs, Vegetarian, Vegan, and even raw diets.  Some lasted longer than others, but the most was 6-8 months.  

How about if we don't tell anyone and throw away the evidence?

The difference between all of those other programs and what I'm doing now is awareness.  I know what I am supposed to eat to lose weight.  And I know what I'm supposed to eat when I get there.  It's the same damn thing!  Before it was always a race to the finish line, and then once I crossed it the "now what?" kicked in.  Can I eat fast food now?  Drink beer?  Sometimes, if you exercise and bank the calories.  The thing is, it takes a really long time to put on weight after a crash diet - and relatively little time to take it off - another amazing thing that our bodies do which still baffles me.  As I mentioned in a previous post, it took me nearly 8 years to put on this weight and it will probably only take me a year to year and a half total to take it off.  As for my feelings about this, I agree with what Brad Pitt said in Inglorious Bastards - 

Brad Pitt: "I'd make that deal, how 'bout you, Utivitch, you make that deal?

Utivitch: "I'd make that deal."

Brad Pitt: "I don't blame ya.  Damn good deal!"

It's a good thing this is a blog post and me not actually trying to imitate his accent in the movie because I suck at impressions.  Mostly people look at me sideways and say "what exactly are you trying to do?"   But back to the subject at hand: in previous crash diets I never knew what I was doing when I reached my ideal weight so instead I just ate like I did when I was overweight which is a recipe for disaster.  It may be unfair that I'm short, a girl and only burn 1400 calories at my ideal weight while my two direct co-workers are over 6 feet and get to chow down closer to 2000.  But as they say, "eh, whatcha gonna do about it?  It's the way it is."  At least now I know what to do.