Short and Sweet

Calories in: 11,343
Calories out: 17,153
Deficit: 5,810
/3500 = 1.66 projected pounds lost
Minutes of exercise: 298 / 4.96 hours
Pounds lost this week:.4
Total pounds lost: 35.2

If only we looked as calm as this stock image when we have too much to do. And with perfect eyebrows.

Well, it's happened. I'm officially stressed about having two writing projects, so I'm keeping this blog short. In my other writing life, I'm working on my third novel (two completed, still trying to find an agent), and the writing is flowing. And the magic of the flow shall not be interrupted!

Having worked the process of a novel before, when I find myself lost in the details of my story, I know that things are getting good. For example, the other day my husband and I were having dinner and fell into that comfortable marriage silence. He asked, 'What are you thinking about?" Me: "That Aurelius speaks Latin and Uther speaks Old English, is that what you were thinking about?"

He gave me a look like I'm from Mars. But in a good way. He knew he married a nerd.

The good news is that the balance of exercise and life is stabilizing. The numbers are off this week, but I'm also on my period which is a bitch. Damn you bloat! It's not uncommon for my weight to shoot up 1-2.5 pounds at this time and then fall off at the end. I've also rested on days when I was exhausted and set my exercise goals at 45 minutes a session instead of an hour. I also have not fasted in a week because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'm thinking for my sanity, I may check in every two weeks on this blog -- or possibly every three, I'll just have to see how it goes.

In the off weeks, I'm thinking about using this space to post first drafts of chapters for my new book. The elevator pitch goes: Gwen and Lance are modern scientists who time travel back to the Lost Century to weave their way into Arthurian legend.  Think 'Wicked' but instead of Elphaba and her band of animal friends, Gwen juggles opposing warlords.

What do you guys think? Up for reading some first drafts of my new project? I will take as many extra sets of eyes as I can get!

Until next time,
Bonnie

Figuring Out Balance

October 8, 2019
Total Pounds Lost: 34.8
Pounds Lost This Week: 1.9

This one is an oldie but goodie

I struggled this week. Struggled between not indulging, exercising, indulging, and then exercising like a maniac to make up for indulging. A precarious pendulum swinging from one extreme to the next without finding a healthy way to hover in the middle.

I'm trying to start good habits. I am. My friends who are fit work out 5-7 times per week, so 7 hours of exercise a week is my stretch goal. And once that becomes a real habit, my body will change. When I think back to my more fit days, I  exercised 3 days a week with 1 major hike on the weekend -- so that was 5 hours of exercise a week or more. Getting into the routine is tough. I've been doing it, but have resorted to napping when Max naps to recover. Because sister, I'm tired.

I know this sounds silly, but it's really hard for me to sacrifice Max's precious nap time to my own sleeping rather than writing. But if I'm ready to cry into my dinner or snapping at my family because I'm exhausted from adapting to exercise...it's not worth it. I'll never forget in college, I was whining to my Dad on the phone how tired I was, lamenting on how to get more energy, and if I should drink more coffee. To which he replied, "if you're tired, you should sleep."

I was thunderstruck at the simplicity. And then I took a nap. The same applies now, I gotta take care of myself. Besides, my mental clarity jumps by a thousand percent when I'm rested. The world seems brighter, goals more do-able.

There's another ironic twist here: each morning I plan out 'operation wear out the baby,' to make sure Max gets enough exercise to nap and sleep well at night.

Mission accomplished.

It seems so natural to inflict exercise to the point of exhaustion on my kid, but when I'm doing it for my own health, I'm #RESISTING. There's a reason they call it working out. It's work.

It's a lot of work.  Back to the topic I wandered away from in paragraph one, I  ate too much on Friday, and then went out on Sunday on a date with the hubs and ate too much again. They say the key to sticking to a new habit is to forgive oneself after a slip and get back on board, but it's hard not to beat myself up for the slips. Imagine how much more weight I would have lost this week if I hadn't indulged at all.

Sigh.

But I'm human, so I move on. Keep on chugging. I don't know if I'm working too hard and indulging too hard, but I'm experimenting, trying to find that nebulous plane of existence called 'balance.' I did manage to get up twice this week at 6AM and work out. I did exercise every single day and reached my stretch goal.

On another note, the mere amount of time I spend these days thinking about my body, eating healthy and exercising is overwhelming. Of course, I want it to be a priority, but fixating to the point of obsession isn't healthy, or helping me. It's one of the reasons I think this blog helped me so much in the past -- if I could get these racing thoughts about the process out of my head and down on paper, then they couldn't bother me anymore. Still holds true. So, again, thank you to this online community for reading and keeping me going with your comments and support.

As a final note to this chapter, I splurged on a wizz-bang FitBit. I've always been a detail-oriented person and seeing everything by my numbers helps me. I have a real measure of calories in vs. calories out and it matches up for what the scale reads. All this time in the past two years I've been blaming my non-weight loss on something else. Recently, I convinced myself that I may be flirting with insulin-resistance. That's why it's so hard.

Here are the hard numbers from this week:
Calories Out: 17,827 (Exercised every day for 45 minutes - hour)
Calories In: 11,505 (~1,643 calories consumed per day average)
6,322 Calorie Deficit Net
3500 Calories per pound of fat
1.8 pounds lost - by the numbers
1.9 pounds lost - by the scale

But, again, the numbers check out, so it's not insulin resistance. I just have to work it. And I'll keep on working.

If you want to join me on my fitness apps, I'm 'bonniehorvitz' on MyFitnessPal and 'Bonnie B' on FitBit. Hope to see you there.

Not News: Being A Mom is Hard

October 1, 2019
Total Pounds Lost: 32.9
Pounds Lost This Week: +.8

Well, this is a pisser. The scale went the wrong way this week. It's more than a pisser, it's downright depressing after so much work. So many rationalizations running through my head right now, but I'll get on with this week's subject.

While sipping my coffee and watching Channel 8 news in the wee hours before Max woke up last week, Gayle (Oprah's best friend, I'll have you know) told me that moms work an average of ninety hours a week.

And I scoffed, ninety hours? Really Gayle? That can't be right. But then I did the math. I wake up between 6:30-7:00 every morning. I go to bed at 9:30 and read before I fall asleep. Generously speaking, I'm asleep by 10:30 PM. Many times it's earlier. So, on an average day I'm awake 15 hours give or take. Max is up by 7 AM and goes to sleep at 8:30. On amazing days he takes 3 hour naps, on average days it's 90 minutes.  And sometimes it's no minutes. I often cry on those days or bite a rando's head off. I think that's normal.

Anyhoo, here's the math: 
My Waking Hours: 105
Max Waking Hours: 94.5 Before accounting for naps

So, Gayle was right.

I'm one of those lucky Moms who sends my kid to preschool for two extended mornings a week, giving me twelve glorious hours to write, nerd out at the library researching my book, or sometimes (let's be honest) get a California burrito and do beached whale impressions in front of the TV while marathoning 'Killing Eve.'  So, accounting for preschool my average working hours a week is somewhere between 75-85 hours depending on how much Max naps.

Nap time has always been exclusively writing time for me, so technically, I never take a break. This worried my Mom a lot (and still does), but writing doesn't wear me out, it replenishes me. It exercises that adult part of my brain that atrophies after too many diapers and reruns of 'Llama Llama.'  (Hint to future parents, the key question to ask yourself when selecting children's TV programing is: Can I ignore it? Yes? Sweet. I often read while Max sits on my lap while watching his shows. Something for him and something for me. Plus cuddles. It works out.)

But, back to this blog, and why all this detail is important: dedicating all my 'extra' time also means that there are no hours left for exercising in a real way, so my weight has suffered. Fortunately, our neighborhood is quite walkable so I take Max for long walks / adventures 2-3 times a week to wear him out and get some exercise. And the hard truth is that's the one thing that's kept me from gaining all the weight back that I lost in 2012.

Quite a few times, I've told myself I will trade a few precious
writing hours for hardcore exercise. And I do for a few weeks, but get so down-on-my-knees tired from adapting to hard work that I cry and give up.

I'm at that crux again. For sure. I got three hardcore workouts in last week (3 hours of exercise), and the week before every single day (7.5 hours of exercise) and my resting self is beat-down tired. Like, teary tired. Like, I'm going to let this blog fade into obscurity and give up again tired. I'm still fasting two days a week and the scale went the wrong way? What's the point? Seriously.

My shitty drawings are back!

The good news is, I am figuring out how to incorporate exercise in a way that works for me. When I go to the gym I've been researching for my new book while on the exercise bike or elliptical machine. So, it's a two-for-one benefit. I also got one of those 'step' platforms so I can do step aerobics downstairs while Max naps upstairs. I'm trying, I really am. But, I will tell you, being a mom is hard. And staying healthy and exercising on top of that is even harder. Show me the love!