Get help if you can’t do it on your own.

February 25, 2013

43.9 pounds to go

I am a Capricorn and live up to my stubborn goat nature.  I don’t care if no one else can accomplish x, y, z, I am going to do it better and without any help, thank you very much.   You are an idiot for your inability to perform and I must be weak if I can’t do it on my own.

This of course, is rubbish, but nonetheless it’s ingrained in my core, so I have a hard time letting it go.   I’ve been headstrong for as long as I can remember -- when I was five years old I came marching in after pre-school and demanded my parents stop calling me Dolly (my nickname up until that point) and call me Bonnie because that was my name.   I kicked my mom out of my room to dress myself and tie my shoes at a very early age and I remember saying “stop it, I can do it myself” a lot.   Throughout my life, people say “I don’t know where she gets it from” and “she’s always been a self starter,” but I don’t even know where it comes from.  It’s been there before cognitive thinking even took root in my brain.  Was I born with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe.

Even now, I have an extremely difficult time asking for help.   With work, I have a bad habit of taking on too much and delegating some lesser responsibilities can feel like tearing off an arm.  I feel the constant need to prove myself (especially now that my company was acquired and I'm once again a the bottom of the food chain) and since I am a producer, I tend to get more tasks dumped on me because I can handle more than most.  It takes a lot of courage to say “I need help” or “I need to move this project or account to person x, y, z” because then it would seem like I can’t handle my job.  And then if I can’t handle it they’ll consider me weak.  And if they consider me weak then I’m going to get fired.  It triggers a destructive line of thinking which doesn’t do me any good.  What I need to do is admit that I need to task some responsibilities and and not worry about what people might think of my performance.

Does this mean I ask for help every single time that I need it?  No.  I still get stubborn.  What I find happens when I don’t ask for the help I need is grump-master-McGee emerges.  I compartmentalize my frustration and then that frustration is always there instead of being released.  Then I get angry because I need help.  And then another task is dumped on me when I’m already at capacity.  So instead of being able to ask nicely for something I’m cornered and have to say “no way” to another project.  Or someone demands me to do something when I’m overloaded and it’s all I can do to run to the bathroom and cry before anyone sees me.

When it comes to food especially, it seems silly that I would need assistance.  On one hand, with general thinking, it seems like what I choose to put in my mouth and harnessing self-control should be easy, because after all, I’m the only one eating for my body.  I’m the only one taking the action and I’m the only person it affects.  Presto!  Easy!   I think this is why so many people don’t seek help because the perception is that it should be simple.  And when we struggle it triggers a “shame” button (at least in me).   Once that door is opened, it can let in a flood of self-destructive behavior.  Flog me! I’ve failed!

In reality, weight loss is one of the hardest fucking things in the world to do.  Why?  Because to lose weight, I have to fundamentally change my eating habits for life. 

Now, if I’ve been saying “I can do this on my own” since I was at least 5 years old and need help for the first time, you bet your ass it’s going to be hard to ask.  I’ve been eating without awareness or control nearly all my life (my Mom paid attention for me when I was young, thanks Mom!) and now I have to pay attention AND force myself to stop after 1400 calories every day?  I can feel my body tense up already and prepare for battle.  “La resistance!  Prepare to storm zee castle.  Ve will not let zese reediculous new thoughts block our joie de vivre – la food!”  People always say that no one likes change, but there’s a difference between not liking it and acknowledging that you’re experiencing it.  It’s easy to point a finger at someone else and say “you’re acting like a monkey because you don’t like change.”  But to point it at oneself and admit “I’m acting foolish because I don’t want to change” is infinitely more difficult.

Ultimately, like I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I have to deal with loss.  I’m losing my chance to eat everything in sight.  I’m losing my rationalization.  I’m losing the justification to eat a loaf of bread.  I’m losing a pillar of support I thought I had when I get overloaded.  No more extra food.  No more of what I thought was giving me comfort.

That’s where the help comes in.  How do you get it?  Where do you go?  What works best?  There are a lot of answers to these questions.  When I did the Optifast diet back in 2004, the best part of the program was the support group.  In order to participate, it was mandatory to go to a group therapy session once a week – then you got your shake mix at the end.  I learned things in those classes that even stick with me today.  They were individual lessons that add up to the ability to change.  The programs that seem to get the most long-lasting kudos like Weight Watchers do this.   Also, with Overeaters Anonymous you can find support groups almost anywhere every day and go sit in for an hour.  I think this is particularly helpful because you can find a sponsor who will help you in your times of need.  Someone to call when you’re feeling weak.  While I didn’t go to this program, my brother recently lost a lot of weight and in the beginning I would call him instead of reaching for keys to drive to fast food.  Just having him there to talk me off the food-ledge provided that extra something I couldn’t do on my own.

Where else?  If you’re not someone who likes to get support in person, there are online forums.  MyFitnessPal has an online streaming section that shows what your friends are doing and you can also go online and chat with like-minded people.  I’m sure a good google-ing session would provide endless  forums where you can find health buddies.  For me, writing through my journey has been a fundamental thing that keeps me on track, and all my readers who give me support are extremely helpful.

If you’re not into sharing your feelings with a group or don’t like the online world, I would recommend one-on-one therapy.  This method has always worked best for me.  Since I don’t like to ask for help in the first place, oftentimes I let it go too long and then schedule an appointment and say “I’m going crazy!”  and then she says “I can’t believe you’re dealing with the level of stress you have, you’re not crazy.”  And then I leave more balanced.  It’s easier for me to hash out my feelings one-on-one on an uncomfortable subject with someone who has and objective eye and has my best interest at heart.  She’s the one who helped me realize that stuffing myself for comfort was unusual as well as finding out where the “I want it all” syndrome came from.  Sometimes I just go in and cry my eyes out for an hour and I know she will hear me.  It’s confidential, private and I would highly recommend it.  Of course, it may take a few tries to find the right person to listen, but they’re out there.

Even though it sounds like a cliché, asking for help is never easy.  And you never realize how hard it truly is until you have to ask for it.   I will jump hoops, go into denial, fall into an exhausted heap and put up other huge walls before I break down and admit that I need help.  I can do two jobs at once.  I can lose 100 pounds on my own.  I can be emotionally unaffected by change.  Plus plan a wedding at the same time.   This is about the time I’ve had friends say “woman, are you insane?  How are you doing this?”  Then I go to therapy and learn how to get my balance back.  It’s something I have to work at every day and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Dealing With Big Events

February 16, 2013

44.2 pounds to go

I realize that throughout this blog I’ve whined frequently about how tough it is to avoid over-eating at family events.   I point my finger at my family and cry “it’s your fault that you’re pushing 17 pounds of food in my face when I’m trying to be so good!  Why are you doing this to me?  Sob.”  This isn’t fair to myself or to my family.  Ultimately, they are not the ones chewing, swallowing and making the choices – that’s up to me.

I will admit that there is typically so much food at these events that it’s easy to get overwhelmed.  Dishes of chocolate.  Cookies.  Bowls of chips.  Alcohol.  And of course, the main meal event.  Then dessert.  That is a hell of a lot of calories lying around and can be hard to resist.  So what can I do?

First, I’ve found that party hosts fall into 3 general categories when it comes to food pushing:

1. They want to make sure everyone is fed so they put out a big spread.  They tell you it’s available and offer.
2. They want to make sure everyone is fed so they put out a big spread.   They insist you try everything.  They offer seconds, thirds and sevenths.  Then they urge you take some of the leftovers home.
3. WASP-y parties.  Expect only tiny appetizers and a lot of white wine.  I always leave these parties drunk and hungry.

Whether any of these three situations are the standard normal or not, I can’t be sure – it’s just what I have experienced the most over the years.  I find I’m the most comfortable when I’m not ordered to try the cake and made to feel guilty if I don’t.  I like it when the food’s available and I can choose what I want (or don’t want) without feeling the judgment reigning down upon me.  In some cases, I’m sure that the judgment is in my mind, but in others I’m not so sure.

Next, all the standard preparations for eating at a restaurant apply to a party.  Try to exercise before to bank up a few extra calories.   The promise to exercise after an event is futile – no one wants to go for a walk, drunk tired and stuffed.   Eat more protein earlier in the day so you don’t feel the need to overindulge.   Wait 10 minutes before you go for seconds.  Log the damage in your calorie counter.  And always, if all else fails, be quick to forgive and get back on the wagon the next day to avoid a backwards-slide.  There’s no one magic bullet cure, just lots of little tips that add up to overall self-control.

I do have a secret weapon in my back pocket for these events: lying.  For those party-throwers whose faces fall when you refuse the cake use these handy fibs:

1. I’m lactose intolerant
2. I’m gluten sensitive
3. I can’t eat a lot of grease
4. I can’t eat x, y, z food, it upsets my stomach.

For some reason, if you attach the excuse to a health problem, food pushers will generally back off because they don’t want to make you sick.  However, if you say “I’m on a diet” or “I’m on a health kick” most often they will roll their eyes (mentally) and still follow you around with the ice cream cake until you take a bite.

For me, items 1 and 2 are true, so I don’t feel as bad about it.  Not to go into detail, but if I had the ice cream and cake the first thing that would happen is a mad dash to the bathroom then a splitting headache.  No thanks.  They’re also convenient because I can easily say no to ice cream, cake, cookies and chips (the biggest calorie offenders) without offending anyone.  Even if you don’t have the same affliction, now you know the results so please feel free to use them as an excuse!

Like anything else with a lifestyle change, dealing with events becomes easier with practice.  I’ve trained myself for so many years to get ready to dig in and eat everything in sight at parties because that’s what I felt was expected of me.  Plus, I wanted to – there’s no hiding from that.  The first party I went to when I started logging my food was torture.  Then it got a little easier, and a little easier.  Now, I still have my moments at parties but I don’t feel scared or anxious when I walk in the door.  Now I know what to do.

Be a good picker

February 2, 2013

46.4 pounds to go

“How are you doing this??” 

This is a very common question I have received over the past 260 days.  Obviously, there are many factors that go into eating healthy, and this chapter delves into the next step beyond figuring out how many portions of what type of food to eat every day.  (7 meat, 4 carbs, 3 cups of vegetables etc.)  How do I pick what to put in my mouth?  How does one become a good picker?

I have 2 important tips:

1) Find the foods that turn you on.  Everyone has their one thing that makes food taste better.

2) Eat whole foods.

So how does this break down?

Word.

With only 60 calories in 2 tablespoons, I put sour cream on almost all of my meals.  It’s my secret weapon.  As far as whole foods, this means try and eat food closest to its original form.  Instead of a French fry eat a potato.   Eat lots of vegetables.  Stay away from overly-processed foods.  Bake some fish instead of eating fish sticks out of a box.  It seems like a simple lesson but when I first started doing this I never realized how much crap I was eating, mostly because it was so easy.  It’s easier to drive through Jack-n-the-Box than pack a low calorie turkey sandwich.  It’s easier to order fries than bake a potato.   I totally get this because I am inherently lazy when it comes to cooking.  I played the part of domestic housewife and cooked 4 times a week for my Mike when we first moved in together.  This ended after about 7 seconds and now I just make sure our house is stocked with healthy and easy things to make.

Let me share my grocery list:  here are the things I buy every week to keep my house stocked and the scale happy. 

Food Staples:

(Disclaimer: I shop at Trader Joes a lot.  Also a fan of Sprouts and for some staples I go to Albertsons and Vons.)

1)    Coffee & Half & Half (Coffee 5 Calories, Half & Half 35)

2)    Trader Joes premade salads – the best are Citrus Chicken, Lowfat Chinese Chicken Salad and Shrimp salad. (~250 calories with dressing)

3)    Trader Joes Black Bean Corn Enchiladas. (260 calories a pack, can be mixed with anything)

4)    String Cheese (80 calories each)

5)    Udi’s gluten free bread (70 calories a slice)

6)    Laughing cow light wedges (35 calories each)

7)    Light Mayo (35 calories a tablespoon)

8)    Microwavable roasted potatoes (70 calories a serving)

9)    Sour cream (30 calories a tablespoon)

10)  Bananas (70 – 100 calories)

11)  Cherries (12 cherries – 50 calories)

12)  Soup (be selective – best ones 200-300 calories a can)

13)  Microwavable veggies – broccoli, peas, corn, bell peppers, asparagus (20-50 calories a serving)

14)  Deli sliced roast beef (80 calories 2 ounces)

15)  Deli sliced turkey breast (60 calories 2 ounces)

16)  Turkey pepperoni (80 calories for 15 slices)

17)  Fat free refried beans (1/4 cup 120 calories)

18)  Some microwavable meals – Marie Callendars has some that are ok.  Be selective. (300-500 calories)

19)  Veggie Burgers – Dr. Praeger’s California ones are the best. (110 calories)

20)  Eggs (70 calories each)

21)  Salmon (best grilled in the toaster oven.  5 ounces – 165 calories)

22)  Sweet potatoes (3/4 cup 100 calories)

23)  Corn tortillas (2 small tortillas 130 caloreis)

24)  California rolls (Trader joes has a tray which is only 200 calories)

25)  Chicken breast (6 ounces 133 calories)

26)  Quinoa (1 cup 250 calories)

27)  Gluten free pasta (1/2 cup dry 190 calories)

28)  Better’n’peanut butter (1 tablespoon 50 calories)

29)  Greek yogurt (1 serving 140 calories)

Snacks:

1)    100 calorie cookie packs

2)    100 Calorie popcorn packs

3)    Trader Joes Espresso Pillows (70 calories for 22)

4)    Trader Joes dark chocolate caramel wedges (60 calories for 2)

5)    Veggie chips (26 chips 160 calories)

6)    Pop chips (1 snack bag 100 calories)

7)    Baked chips (1 snack bag 140 calories)

8)    Greek yogurt dip (2 tablespoons 35 calories)

9)    Kettle corn (2 cups 130 calories)

Occasional Treats:

(Eat in small servings when I’m out with people, or when I’m having a monster craving I can’t overcome)

1)    French fries (small serving, most fast food 300 calories)

2)    Mashed potatoes (237 calories a cup)

3)    Cake (250 – 500 calories a slice depending on the cake)

4)    Pad Thai (1 cup 300 calories) + fresh spring rolls (110 calories)

5)    Cheesy poofs / Cheetos (33 crunchies 130 calories)

6)    Goldfish crackers (55 fishies 140 calories)

7)    Hummus (2 tablespoons 50 calories)

8)    Mochi ice cream (1 pod 100 calories)

9)    Rice (1 cup 240 calories)

10) Peanut butter (2 tablespoons 190 calories)

11) Nutella (2 tablespoons 200 calories)

Things I almost never eat:

(less than once a month)

1)    Hamburgers / fast food (500+ calories a burger)

2)    Chinese food (Fried rice alone 350 calories a cup)

3)    Hot dog (300 calories +)

4)    Pizza (150 calories + a slice.  Most over 200 a slice)

5)    Ribs / anything slathered in BBQ sauce (2 ribs 350 calories)

6)    Nuts in any form (1 ounce 125 calories)

7)    Ice cream (1 cup 300 calories)

8)    Cookies (a big cookie alone can be 200 calories)

9)    Cupcake (250 calories +)

10) Muffins (120 for a small one, 350+ for ones at bakeries)

11) Cereal (120 calories +  a cup)

12) Milk (120 calories + a cup)

How my staples turn into real food:

It’s really a mix-and-match game.  As long as your staples are around 70-120 calories a serving you can come with all sorts of creative ways to combine them to come up with satisfying meals under 500 calories.  Here are a few:

1)    Breakfast for dinner – 2 eggs, 2 slices of toast, 1 serving of potatoes

2)    Burrito guts – 2 egg, 2 servings of potatoes, 1 serving of fat free refried beans, sour cream & salsa

3)    Gluten free pasta, veggies & sour cream (sour cream = fake cream sauce)

4)    Salmon & veggies

5)    Steak & veggies

6)    Chicken & veggies

7)    Soft tacos

8)    Quinoa & veggies

9)    Fat free refried beans microwaved with string cheese = delicious cheesy beans

10) Any veggies slathered in light laughing cow cheese wedges

11) Soup with melted cheese

12) Sandwich & veggie chips

13) Healthy PB&J – gluten free bread, better n’ peanut butter and crushed fruit.

Need some kick?  Add pepper, hot sauce, salsa or flavored vinegars.

I find myself reverting to nostalgia foods that keep me satisfied – things I would eat as a kid.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, popcorn etc.  Everyone has different things that make them feel satisfied – my biggest staple is some version of burrito guts.  I’ve mastered 72 different versions, and it’s on the menu almost every day.  Happy picking!