Get help if you can’t do it on your own.

February 25, 2013

43.9 pounds to go

I am a Capricorn and live up to my stubborn goat nature.  I don’t care if no one else can accomplish x, y, z, I am going to do it better and without any help, thank you very much.   You are an idiot for your inability to perform and I must be weak if I can’t do it on my own.

This of course, is rubbish, but nonetheless it’s ingrained in my core, so I have a hard time letting it go.   I’ve been headstrong for as long as I can remember -- when I was five years old I came marching in after pre-school and demanded my parents stop calling me Dolly (my nickname up until that point) and call me Bonnie because that was my name.   I kicked my mom out of my room to dress myself and tie my shoes at a very early age and I remember saying “stop it, I can do it myself” a lot.   Throughout my life, people say “I don’t know where she gets it from” and “she’s always been a self starter,” but I don’t even know where it comes from.  It’s been there before cognitive thinking even took root in my brain.  Was I born with it?  I don’t know.  Maybe.

Even now, I have an extremely difficult time asking for help.   With work, I have a bad habit of taking on too much and delegating some lesser responsibilities can feel like tearing off an arm.  I feel the constant need to prove myself (especially now that my company was acquired and I'm once again a the bottom of the food chain) and since I am a producer, I tend to get more tasks dumped on me because I can handle more than most.  It takes a lot of courage to say “I need help” or “I need to move this project or account to person x, y, z” because then it would seem like I can’t handle my job.  And then if I can’t handle it they’ll consider me weak.  And if they consider me weak then I’m going to get fired.  It triggers a destructive line of thinking which doesn’t do me any good.  What I need to do is admit that I need to task some responsibilities and and not worry about what people might think of my performance.

Does this mean I ask for help every single time that I need it?  No.  I still get stubborn.  What I find happens when I don’t ask for the help I need is grump-master-McGee emerges.  I compartmentalize my frustration and then that frustration is always there instead of being released.  Then I get angry because I need help.  And then another task is dumped on me when I’m already at capacity.  So instead of being able to ask nicely for something I’m cornered and have to say “no way” to another project.  Or someone demands me to do something when I’m overloaded and it’s all I can do to run to the bathroom and cry before anyone sees me.

When it comes to food especially, it seems silly that I would need assistance.  On one hand, with general thinking, it seems like what I choose to put in my mouth and harnessing self-control should be easy, because after all, I’m the only one eating for my body.  I’m the only one taking the action and I’m the only person it affects.  Presto!  Easy!   I think this is why so many people don’t seek help because the perception is that it should be simple.  And when we struggle it triggers a “shame” button (at least in me).   Once that door is opened, it can let in a flood of self-destructive behavior.  Flog me! I’ve failed!

In reality, weight loss is one of the hardest fucking things in the world to do.  Why?  Because to lose weight, I have to fundamentally change my eating habits for life. 

Now, if I’ve been saying “I can do this on my own” since I was at least 5 years old and need help for the first time, you bet your ass it’s going to be hard to ask.  I’ve been eating without awareness or control nearly all my life (my Mom paid attention for me when I was young, thanks Mom!) and now I have to pay attention AND force myself to stop after 1400 calories every day?  I can feel my body tense up already and prepare for battle.  “La resistance!  Prepare to storm zee castle.  Ve will not let zese reediculous new thoughts block our joie de vivre – la food!”  People always say that no one likes change, but there’s a difference between not liking it and acknowledging that you’re experiencing it.  It’s easy to point a finger at someone else and say “you’re acting like a monkey because you don’t like change.”  But to point it at oneself and admit “I’m acting foolish because I don’t want to change” is infinitely more difficult.

Ultimately, like I’ve mentioned in previous entries, I have to deal with loss.  I’m losing my chance to eat everything in sight.  I’m losing my rationalization.  I’m losing the justification to eat a loaf of bread.  I’m losing a pillar of support I thought I had when I get overloaded.  No more extra food.  No more of what I thought was giving me comfort.

That’s where the help comes in.  How do you get it?  Where do you go?  What works best?  There are a lot of answers to these questions.  When I did the Optifast diet back in 2004, the best part of the program was the support group.  In order to participate, it was mandatory to go to a group therapy session once a week – then you got your shake mix at the end.  I learned things in those classes that even stick with me today.  They were individual lessons that add up to the ability to change.  The programs that seem to get the most long-lasting kudos like Weight Watchers do this.   Also, with Overeaters Anonymous you can find support groups almost anywhere every day and go sit in for an hour.  I think this is particularly helpful because you can find a sponsor who will help you in your times of need.  Someone to call when you’re feeling weak.  While I didn’t go to this program, my brother recently lost a lot of weight and in the beginning I would call him instead of reaching for keys to drive to fast food.  Just having him there to talk me off the food-ledge provided that extra something I couldn’t do on my own.

Where else?  If you’re not someone who likes to get support in person, there are online forums.  MyFitnessPal has an online streaming section that shows what your friends are doing and you can also go online and chat with like-minded people.  I’m sure a good google-ing session would provide endless  forums where you can find health buddies.  For me, writing through my journey has been a fundamental thing that keeps me on track, and all my readers who give me support are extremely helpful.

If you’re not into sharing your feelings with a group or don’t like the online world, I would recommend one-on-one therapy.  This method has always worked best for me.  Since I don’t like to ask for help in the first place, oftentimes I let it go too long and then schedule an appointment and say “I’m going crazy!”  and then she says “I can’t believe you’re dealing with the level of stress you have, you’re not crazy.”  And then I leave more balanced.  It’s easier for me to hash out my feelings one-on-one on an uncomfortable subject with someone who has and objective eye and has my best interest at heart.  She’s the one who helped me realize that stuffing myself for comfort was unusual as well as finding out where the “I want it all” syndrome came from.  Sometimes I just go in and cry my eyes out for an hour and I know she will hear me.  It’s confidential, private and I would highly recommend it.  Of course, it may take a few tries to find the right person to listen, but they’re out there.

Even though it sounds like a cliché, asking for help is never easy.  And you never realize how hard it truly is until you have to ask for it.   I will jump hoops, go into denial, fall into an exhausted heap and put up other huge walls before I break down and admit that I need help.  I can do two jobs at once.  I can lose 100 pounds on my own.  I can be emotionally unaffected by change.  Plus plan a wedding at the same time.   This is about the time I’ve had friends say “woman, are you insane?  How are you doing this?”  Then I go to therapy and learn how to get my balance back.  It’s something I have to work at every day and I'm not ashamed to admit it.