Morbid Fear of Gaining the Weight Back

January 27, 2013

46.4 pounds to go

Ritual (n): A religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

In my college philosophy 101 class back in 1998, my professor told a ritual experiment story performed on birds.  The birds were placed in their cages with a food dispensary.  The experimenters released the food at random times to see what behaviors the birds would develop.  These poor creatures would be in the middle of dancing, bathing, or jumping around the cage and by coincidence (a.k.a. random timing) the food would appear. Then the bird would be hungry later and reenact previous coincidental behavior forming a “food dance.”  By the end of it, these guys were performing long complicated rituals which they believed would produce food.

Where's my fucking snack?

While I may not be a dancing bird (today) there is a difference between behaviors that get results versus ingrained behaviors that don’t effect change.  Through my many journeys with weight loss, I’ve developed my own rain dances hoping they would facilitate the solution.  Put in simpler terms: whenever I would start to cross over into healthy or skinny territory I would begin to feel morbidly afraid the weight would come back on.  I would write pages and pages in my diary about the fear, yet never take any action to diffuse it.

So why was I afraid?  Why would I be afraid now?  One word: ignorance.  In the past I was never given any tools for sustainable weight loss.  I was given a crash program that would get me to skinny but never taught me long term healthy behaviors.  Atkins.  Crash diet.  Optifast.  Crash diet.  P90X.  Crash diet.  These kinds of programs get fast results (typically much faster than you should expect) by taking my body to the extreme.  I would get results, but when I was at the finish line I would have no tools to stay there.  All I knew how to do was the extreme version of very little eating and globulous amounts of exercise.  And as we all know, starving yourself while working out to the extreme every day is not sustainable.  You can do it for a few months but not forever.

All these programs always promise to shift you into a ‘maintenance mode’ once you start getting close to your ideal weight.  The problem is, it’s so extreme that most of us never get to this point.  I know I always gave up before these crucial classes.  So again, I’d be at the finish line with no tools.  Hello old habits and weight gain.

Now I’m in a different place.  I have the tools.  I know how many calories I get to eat in a day (1400).  I know how many I get to eat at a maintenance level (1400).  I know what foods to choose because technically I’m not on a diet right now, (Details in other entries) I’m eating the way I will eat for the rest of my life.  I pick the right foods that make me feel full (Bye bye gluten, I miss you).  I have a sustainable amount of exercise in my life (Twice a week).

You know what you did.  Get a job.

So the fear was the fear of the unknown.  Since I wasn’t doing any sort of food tracking, so it’s no wonder the scale was always a big surprise.  You bet your ass I was sending desperate prayers and doing my own rain dances in the bathroom before I got on the scale.  Then there would be a lazy week with exercise and too afraid to get on the scale.  Then another week.  Then the extra food started to slip in.  Six months later I finally would be brave enough to face the scale and it was always bad news.  Even though I knew I was slipping, it always seemed so unfair that the weight came back on.  Lather, rinse and repeat this cycle a dozen times over the past 13 years and you bet your ass the fear starts creeping in once the weight really starts coming off.

Always, I would be brave enough to go on a crash diet, but not patient  enough to take on the work of tracking what’s going into my mouth every.single.day.  It seemed like it was too much work, and it was a mountain I wasn’t ready to face.  Instead I depended on ritual and hope which never takes anyone very far.

Beyond this, there’s also a weird self-negotiation that happens when I crossed over from ignorance to reality with weight loss.  And I’m not talking about the “I’ll promise to exercise tomorrow and I’ll eat the cheesecake tonight” kind of rationalization.  It’s not even the long-term “I’ve been working so hard so I deserve it” line of thinking that always creeps in around the self-sabotage point in a diet.  Granted, I still bargain line-item foods with myself every day.  I’m going to eat this chocolate.  I’m going to have an extra string cheese.  Then I go for a walk.  There’s no room for negotiation with a calorie.  Hard numbers.  Hard facts.  Not a whole lot of wiggle room.  In other words, I can’t strike a deal with the science of my body.  I can’t talk my way out of it.  I can’t even think my way out of it.  Yet, I still behave like I can sometimes.  That’s where the self-negotiation comes in.  I think I can bring something new to the table, and constantly my body comes back with the terms which haven’t changed.  So I resign the contract. Again, and again and again.  I’ve gone back to the mediation table several times in this journey and every time my body wins.

Take it or leave it.  Goddamnit.  I'll take it.

Here’s another way to think about it:  I have had employees in the past who think much more highly of themselves versus what they actually produce.  They constantly ask for a raise.  They constantly ask for a promotion.  Yet they constantly don’t do any work to show they deserve any of the bumps!  You have to stop talking about how awesome you are and do something awesome.  If I expect my body to start dropping pounds more rapidly yet I haven’t changed any of my behaviors, what the fuck did I think was going to happen?  And to even further the point, if I get to the finish line and start incorporating behaviors that would make me gain weight, why should I expect any different even though I don’t want to gain it back?

I think the wanting / thinking versus awareness / doing crosses that fear bridge.  Even though it is still a pain in the ass and a lot of work, I have the tools.  I don’t have to do a rain dance in the bathroom every Saturday because I know what I’m doing.  Sometimes, irrationality still overcomes me and I have flights of “ohmigod what happens if I get fat again?”  But it’s a swell of emotion and sometimes I just have to wait out the storm.  Now it always passes.

Tackling Restaurants

January 19, 2013

47 pounds to go

Disclaimer #1:  I eat out a lot.  This works.

Disclaimer #2:  Two instructional blogs in a row, I know.  It can get a little tedious.  Do eat vegetables.  Don't eat pie.  Do move your ass.  Don't get hung up about it.  Do dance like a chicken.  Don't eat the beak.  To make this fun I'm going to play "where's the yeti."  He's hidden somewhere in this blog.  If you pay attention long enough you'll be able to spot him among the details.

Restaurants can seem tough at first glance.  Their objective is to have you leave fat and happy, not healthy and spry.  They focus on your experience -- which includes lots of food.  This is why they push the bread,  extra drinks, appetizers and oh, by the way "do you have room for dessert?"  And you hrmm for a second and say "Yeeahh, bring me the pie."  2600 calories, one enormous dump and a beaching session later I force Mike to push me up the stairs because there's no way I'm going to make it on my own.  

Do the calories count if I just lick the food?

There are a few leg-work details that are helpful with restaurants.  First, with the Affordable Care Act, any restaurant chain that has more than 20 locations is required to list their calorie counts.  Another interesting detail with the '20 locations or more status': the calories have to be listed next to the standard menu item.  I have noticed at some chains such as Claim Jumpers and Bucca Di Beppo (huge calorie offenders) they keep a separate nutritional menu on the table, and it's not listed on the menu.  Legal?  I think not.  But they're getting away with it for now and at least we have easy access to the information.  Also, when looking at the calorie listings often there will be a range of "600-850*" calories next to a combo meal at a fast food place.  Then you look at the asterisk and it will say "does not include x,y,z."  I am shocked at what some restaurants get away with using this technicality.  I was at Ruby's Diner the other day and next to the hamburger meal it said "650 - 850*"  I asked if the upwards 850 included the fries.  The waitress didn't know.  I risked the meal and looked it up later and the nutritional menu said (I shit you not) "Hamburger listing does not include MEAT."  How can you not include the fucking hamburger in the hamburger???"  So bread and sauce is 650 calories?  Oh wait.  I see, it's only 900 calories if I eat it.   Another one of my favorite technicality listings was at Boudin bread bakery.  I looked up the chicken caesar salad - their asterisk said "does not include meat or dressing."  So, this 262 calories consists of croutons, cheese and lettuce?  The takeaway from this is pay attention.  You may have to add some extra calories for what should be on the original listing.

If the restaurant chain has less than 20 locations, you're on your own with nutritional listings.  They're not required to tell you anything.  Some of them do, some of them don't so it doesn't hurt to ask.  I'm hoping as health care law progresses everyone will have to list everything.  The key is awareness.  I don't care if someone wants to eat a 3500 calorie meal, but they should at least have the chance to know what they're putting in their face.  So what do you do? The great thing with MyFitnessPal is that it does have a lot of general calorie listings.  So if you go to a Japanese restaurant you can look up "rainbow roll" and know it has 476 calories.  Yeti.  If I'm at an italian restaurant I can look up "feta stuffed chicken" and get an estimate.  It's not perfect, but it will help you make good decisions.  As with anything, with practice you'll start to get to know the default caloric properties of food so you'll get better at estimating.  2/3 of a dry cup of pasta is 210 calories.  A chicken breast is 133 calories.  An egg is 70 calories.  You'll do a lot of deferring to MyFitnessPal in the beginning but you get my drift.

The last item with prep work for a restaurant -- try to look up the menu online before you go.  That way you can pour over your choices and pick the best option without looking like Mrs. Indecision at the restaurant.  You'll know about the asterisks and be prepared with the questions you can't find the answers to.

When I first get my menu at the restaurant, oftentimes I'll warn the waiter that "I'm a modifier" that way they don't get annoyed when I ask for dressing on the side or how many ounces are in the bowl versus cup of soup.  Some servers know their menu, others don't.  Don't get mad if they give you a deer in the headlights look when you ask weird questions.  It also doesn't hurt to ask if they have a hidden 'healthy options' menu.  I've been surprised at how many restaurants have a 'secret' menu that has meals for 650 calories or less.   Some of my typical modifier remarks are "dressing on the side,"  "no croutons," and "make it without butter" (this applies to pasta dishes mostly).  I also will ask for a side of what I'm craving or something healthy that's not on the menu.  Like a side of steamed broccoli, black beans or fruit.  I have ordered a side of bananas before.  The waitress thought I was weird, but she'll live.  And I wanted the banana.

Now comes the toughest part of eating out: the actual eating.  Some restaurants there are just no good choices.  Everything is high.  And everything looks amazing.  In these cases, I'll order what I want and just eat half of what's served.  In the beginning this was very hard for me.  Especially knowing that I want it all, all the time.  When the food arrives, I'll draw a line in the middle, or cut it in half so I know when I have to stop.  I cut my food up into tiny pieces so it lasts longer.  I've heard of some women who ask the server to serve them half the meal and put the other half in a to-go box.  I haven't had the nerve to try this, but I would imagine that it's helpful if you don't have the willpower to stop.  Once I get down to the "I'm done eating" stage but that half meal is still there, I have to take extreme measures.  I move the plate to the edge of the table.  I throw my napkin over it.  I ask the waiter to take it away.  I start offering it to other people at the table.  Like with everything else, it gets easier with practice. 

As a final note, I'll have a later chapter that goes into very specific detail on what restaurants I frequent and what I typically order.  As a sneak preview, the restaurants where I've found the best choices I've found are: Rubios, Subway, Mimi's Cafe, Jersey Mikes, Boudin Bakery, El Pollo Loco, Chipotle, Panera, Jimbo's, and Corner Bakery.  This does not mean everything on their menus are healthy, it just means they have more healthy options than most.  Bon Appetit!

Did you find George the Yeti?

Going on Vacation

47.8 pounds to go

Maybe two of everything.

Going on vacation is a wonderful thing - I love to travel so I start my countdowns to vacation days far, far in advance.  In the past I would get even more excited because this was the time that I could eat everything in sight without guilt!  Meals out all the time!  The food!  The fun!  Back then I wasn't doing any sort of tracking with my food intake or my weight, so who gives a shit anyway?  I got to extra-indulge in something that gave me great pleasure.

The last time I went on vacation in August, I was a little more nervous.  How was I going to make it through all those restaurants?  Resist dessert?  The extra drinks?  Around every corner there seemed to be another gourmet hamburger that I had to put in my face.  Stat.  Plus all the "free" drinks while playing penny slots and poker?  Nervous rose to a new level: "oh shit, I am going to gain weight."

Now that I have more healthy days under my belt (239 days as of today) I've had about 5 more months of practice since Vegas to pick better foods that make me feel full.  I didn't feel nervous on the days before we departed for Sedona two weeks ago (hence the mini break from my blog), I felt even more excited than usual -- the fear was gone.  I had a plan.  Now, let me share my plan with you to take the food stigma off vacation days.

Here's it is at a glance:

1) First thing's first.  Don't stop counting calories.  Myfitnesspal will travel!   Knowledge is power.

2) Try and keep your regular eating schedule going.  Eat when you normally eat.  Eat the caloric chunks you normally eat.

2) Stock up on breakfast.  

3) Buy healthy snacks to keep in the car / at the hotel. 

4) Research the restaurants in the area before you depart.  Remember that it is not mandatory to eat out every meal.

5) Plan adventures.

Now let's break it down.

Calories.  

(Groan.  Just get it out there now.  Someday you'll get over it.)  I don't have stigma attached to calorie-counting anymore, it's just part of my daily routine.  I have previous blogs that go into more detail on how to use the MyFitnessPal app, so I won't do it now.  It is vitally important to keep tracking, and keep tracking honestly.  It is very easy to have a gorge day and say "well, I ate the cheesecake, but I'm not gonna tell anyone about it so technically, it's not on the record.  No one will ever know… except the scale.  Better to fess up and put it in there, because the only person you can hurt is yourself by keeping secrets.  Plus, you'll probably forget about the cheesecake and say "wow, I still have 500 calories left, what else can I eat?  Mmm, strawberry lemonade champagne cocktail.  Two please."  I've recently discovered there is a function in MyFitnessPal that says "quick add calories" which is dangerous.  It's like shopping for hotels on hot-wire.  I'm pretty sure this 2 star hotel I'm getting for $15 a night won't have murderers lurking in the parking lot.  Then you arrive and it's not murders, but an army of angry teenagers popping wheelies right next to your window.  Or you're next to a bomb-testing site.  Or you're 50 miles away from the area you thought you would be staying in.  You get my drift, you get what you pay for.  If you quick add 1500 calories and label it "unnaturally large monkey-pig-out session" it was probably more like 2500 calories.  It's better to line-item your food.  Think of it as confessional, once you get it off your chest, you can look at the real damage and asses how good / bad it was.  Most of the time it's not as bad as you think, and as an added bonus you don't have to keep feeling endlessly guilty for something you won't admit the whole truth about.

Stick with your schedule.

I am a die-hard advocate for being a creature of habit with food.  You could set a clock to when I eat during the work week.  In the morning I get up and have a cup of coffee on my patio.  Then on my drive to work I eat a banana and sting cheese.  I have another cup of coffee at work.  I walk to lunch between 11:30AM - 12:30 PM and keep Rubio's in business.  (Lots of good salad choices.  90 calories burned with walking) Then I get home and have 600-750 calories left for a decent dinner.  On the weekends it's a little different.  I sleep in.  I have two cups of coffee on my patio.  I have breakfast late and eat something more substantial, like eggs in a basket and potatoes (495 calories).  Then I exercise and have a bigger meal for dinner followed by snacking (hello Trader Joes espresso pillows and carmel wedges) because I have a substantial bank left.  When I go on vacation, I'm on the weekend schedule everyday.

Breakfast

Any nutritionist will tell you "never skip breakfast!" And I concur.  If you don't eat it, your'e going to be starving later and set yourself up for a gorge-sabotage at lunch.  Whenever I go on vacation, my first stop is at the grocery store and I stock up on what I normally eat for breakfast.  Plus real coffee because hotel coffee tastes like an elbow.  As Mike would say, "well, it's hot.  That's all it has going."  It's also convenient for when we're sleeping in and lazy to have something to nibble on in the morning, that way I'm don't become a raging tiger that roars "take me to lunch, I'm ready to eat your arm!"  I can truly enjoy the lazy mornings on the patio.

Healthy snacks.

At that first trip to the grocery store, buy the snacks you normally indulge in.  Since I'm gluten free I have to get creative.  I like veggie stix, veggie chips, kettle corn and cheesy poofs.  Also chocolate -- you have to be selective and find the low calorie portioned ones instead of a wonking 5 pound hershey bar.  My favorite choices are trader joe's espresso pillows, carmel wedges and powerberries.  They come in small portions so I can eat a few and be satisfied while only spending 60-100 calories.  This time around I didn't realize how much chocolate I eat during the week because by day 3 I was super-craving it and took a desperate trip to the vending machine in the ice-room.  I got a hershey chocolate bar that was probably aged 16 years.  Not good.  The other thing I like to buy at the store are "emergency protein bars."  I keep them in the car or my purse for when we've been roaming around all day, and maybe it hasn't been a good stick-to-the-schedule day.  That way I can bust open the wrapper in case of emergency.  Discovered Odwalla's chocolate peanut butter ones.  Divine.  Had to eat it mid-hike when the travel guide lied and said "5 miles round trip" when really it was 5 miles each way.  As a side note, I typically stay away from calorie-packed snacks like full fat potato chips, crackers and any sort of dip.  Even the healthy ones like hummus because once I start it's hard to stop and 1500 calories later I feel beyond guilty.  I also enjoy a bubbly and flavorful beverages.  I could write an embarrassing love letter to the makers of Fresca.

It's named for its awesome caloric properties.

Research Restaurants

This is something I did for the first time this last vacation  Typically I get there and just hope for the best.  This time around I took a look in the guidebooks and it was full of restaurants labeled "bistro!" and "fresh!"  Even a pizzeria that served gluten free which I got totally excited about.  I figured it would be easier than usual to find choices that adhered to my calorie count.  It's always good to check in advance - when we went to Zion for the first time a few winters ago the choices were staggeringly limited.  Half the restaurants were "closed for winter" the other half were greasy spoons and sports bars, so I ate my fair share of monster hamburgers (delicious, I'll admit) and dripping hash browns.  If your destination is podunk USA, you may need to shop in your hometown and bring a cooler filled with healthier options.  Once you get there and have to pick the items off the menu remember the standard tips: make sure there's vegetables in your meal.  If you get a salad, get the dressing on the side so you can control the calories.  If it's a major splurge just eat half of what's on your plate.  Once you're done eating half put your napkin on it.  Force the waiter to take it away.  A chunk of meat plus a side of vegetables is surprisingly low-calorie, so you can go to a fancy restaurant and get the steak dinner sans guilt.  However, if you eat a starter salad, 20 ounce steak, bread, dessert and two glasses of wine with it there will be trouble.

Brunch is also easier to pick healthier choices.  Omelets are good.  Ask how many eggs are in it so you can get an accurate count.  I love eggs over-easy with potatoes which I eat all the time, and could get at restaurants easily.  Then there's eggs benedict which isn't so hot, but I had a few times.  (I just didn't eat the muffin and only half the potatoes) Hollandaise sauce should be illegal.  I think I'll bathe in it.  

The other thing with restaurants - not every trip will be well behaved.  I've over-indulged and that's ok.  Back to article A, just fess up so you won't be surprised later.  On our road trip out there, I had Jack-n-the-Box for the first time in a year.  When I started gaining weight again about 8 years ago he was one of the major culprits to my demise.  I couldn't get enough of the french fries dipped in the ranch sauce.  And you can bet it tasted just as good as I remembered it.  It felt like I was eating crack.  The minute I finished I had the urge to order 3 more sides of fries or just drink the sauce.  Get me away!  The next day I was rewarded with the inability to shit, apologized to my body and promised to eat a vegetable.  That night I had the most amazing spinach salad with roasted salmon with chipotle ranch dressing and it tasted SO much better than the fast food.  Plus it didn't trigger the dangerous "keep eating or else" button.

Plan Adventures

This is a guise for exercise.  Tricked you!  (you bitch.)  I'm not an over-scheduler before I go on vacation.  Some people have long, complicated itineraries when they get away which takes away from the real purpose of vacation: relaxation.  I typically like to go places where there are lots of hiking options or activities.  I'm also known for over-spending on guide books.  That way each morning I can drink my coffee, peruse the guidebook and say "look Mike, Bell Rock is supposed to be a vortex.  Let's go there and get woo-woo'ed."   Then we go.  Each day is an adventure and I can do whatever I want.  Even if I'm walking around leisurely for an hour or two, I'm banking up 200-400 calories I can use later. (Hello champagne cocktail.)  Then if it's serious, we're talking about a 1200-1700 calorie bank range.  The great thing about huge adventures is that you get to see something you'd never typically get to see, and then later you can have that one massive gorge session (if you want) completely guilt-free.  After the trip to bell-rock which turned out to be an 8 mile hike plus spelunking, we ordered a pizza to go and pear gorgonzola salad with raspberry dressing from the gluten-free pizzeria.  Then we picked up our favorite Kona beer (Pipeline porter.  Coffee + beer.  Amazing) turned on The Dark Knight Rises and dug in.  Fucking delicious feast.  Plus, who doesn't like to yell at the TV while eating cheesy pizza?

As you can see, I still have a love affair going with food.  I think the big change is that I pick the things that I like and just really enjoy what I get to have instead of worrying about the massive quantities I can squish in my face.  Feasts taste better when I've earned them, and in the end I don't feel deprived because I choose the full fat dressing - I just use half of it instead of eating a salad that tastes like it's been wrapped in plastic sauce.  When I'm on vacation I'm still making an effort to care about my food choices and it gets easier with practice.  This vacation was beautiful, plus I lost two pounds which made it a stunning victory in my eyes.  And I got the best birthday present ever - the man I love asked me to marry him.  Life is good.