Self Sabotage

September 30, 2012

64.2 pounds to go

Don't do it!

I just had to get that out there first.  We already know that we should not be surprised if we run into a speed bump around the three-month mark of a new lifestyle change, and at this is the time I have started to unconsciously sabotage my efforts in previous diets.  It's always something minor - slipping in a full calorie soda, or going out to dinner and not picking the healthy choice on the menu but what everyone else is eating.  Maybe I stop weighing myself because I'm too afraid to see the number after a bad night.  I'm tempted to not count the extra string cheese into my diet tracker.   Or my very private, somewhat weird personal habit of eating slice after slice of bread and cheese while marathoning bad TV.  None of this does me any good - it's like lying to my therapist or cheating at solitaire.  No one is going to know I'm hurting myself except myself.

I don't think self sabotage is the same thing as giving up.  It is a spot of self-struggle because I want to do right by me, but I'm also scared.  The internal dialogue consists of: 

"Well, everyone else is eating McDonald's today."

"One full calorie soda isn't going to kill me."

"I deserve this cake, I had a hard week and I haven't had any in a month."

"But it tastes good! No fair."

"I already look good."

In other words, there is an army of self-rationalization in reserve at this stage:

The biggest thing is to not let the excuses win, but figure out what's underneath this towering line of defense.  I've recently been rereading Michael Crichton's book "Travels" -- I had first read it right after college and it inspired me to take my own unusual adventures around the globe.  This time I'm getting something different out of it - not only is he going to all these weird places, but he spends a lot of time focusing on self-learning and why he acts the way he does.  In one chapter called "Cactus Teachings" he takes a very brave trip to a new age conference in the desert in the interest of self-discovery.  While he is there everyone keeps asking him "why are you so angry? What are you mad about?"  His gut reaction is to believe others are projecting their feelings on to him but in the end he realizes he is mad, and mad a lot.  (He also makes friends with a cactus which is enormously entertaining.) 

Then I realized, I do that.  Not all the time, but I'll be in the car yelling at other drivers to speed the fuck up and I stop myself and think "why am I so angry about a 5 mile an hour speed difference?"

It's the same thing with food.  The only difference is not to ask myself "why am I so mad?" but "why do I want to eat for pleasure instead of power?"  I think most people can make it through their entire lives without asking themselves why they do the things they do.  Just the simple fact that I stop and ask myself what's happening is a huge step.

You bet your ass I do.

When I answer the question "why am I doing this?" it's usually something I already know.  I'm stress eating.  I'm tired.  I have a problem with portions.  I ate too much crap this week that my body doesn't like and now I'm paying the price.  I haven't exercised in a week and my endorphins are low.  It's annoying that there isn't a magic bullet answer to solve the problem, but at least there is an answer on the other end.

Once in awhile, everyone is going to have an off day.  I have.  I've had my moments over the last 135 days where I've eaten over my calorie goal.  The good news is that I'm not going into full-destruction mode with a huge 1500 calorie meal, I only go over by 200-400 calories.  And afterwards I ask myself why I did that, instill forgiveness and get back on the damn wagon.

This act of self-sabotage doesn't just apply to food.  Recently I've even felt "blah" about my writing.  Saturday comes and I just don't feel like doing it.  So I've allowed myself to write on Sunday instead but I still force myself to do it, because I made a commitment to do it, and damn it, I'm going to do it!  I feel like I say this a lot, but the most important thing is to not give in to discouragmenet.  I think that people who are hugely successful in any part of their lives - work, dieting, personal goals etc - are not any smarter than we are.  They just never give up.

My core issue - the "I want it all" syndrome.

September 23, 2012

64.2 pounds to go

I swear to god when I was very little someone performed the "marshmallow experiment" on me.  This is where a mean therapist puts a small child in a room and gives them a marshmallow.  "Now Bonnie, if you're good and can wait 20 minutes I'll give you another marshmallow.  But you can't eat this one until I get back."  I have this intense memory of staring at that marshmallow.  I couldn't resist -- I stuffed that sucker into my mouth whole.  Who could blame me?  I don't think I was older than five.  Circling back to now, everyone has their different weaknesses with food and what they are able to resist.  For some people it's ice cream, others it's chocolate.  Some can't stay away from potato chips and french fries.  If I had to pick my favorite, I do love bread but my issue is eating "all of it."  If someone makes me a sandwich I can't eat just half.  At a restaurant I clean my plate.  And god help me if someone picks up family-style chinese food because I'll never be able to stop making trips to the kitchen.

Judged.

I think there's two things going on with me: 

1) The "I want it all" syndrome (will now call "IWIAS) 

2) The big meal cravings. (will now call "BMC") 

These are slightly different because IWIAS is when I have food in front of me and can't resist eating more.  BMC are when I'm ready to punch a customer for being an idiot and suddenly feel the need to drive my ass over to in-and-out and get a double double with fries.  I'll get into both separately.

I first recognized IWIAS early on in this journey.  I always knew eating a lot of food gave me comfort, but the fact that I couldn't stop was troubling me.  I then performed an experiment on myself: I went to Pick Up Stix and bought what I was craving - Lemon Chicken - but I only had enough calories banked to eat half.  So I ate my portion and put the other half in the fridge.  Then I got back up and shoved the package to the very back of the fridge and put a bunch of stuff in front of it. It was only 3/4 of a cup of food but my body was literally screaming at me "EAT THE CHICKEN!"  I probably looked like I was going out of my mind, pacing like a cat and fidgeting on the couch.  I finally got up and went and distracted myself with a book.  It was at that moment that I realized IWIAS was hard-wired into me at some subconscious level.

Now to figure out where this monster was born and grew into it's current form.  After the experiment I spent a week racking my brain trying to think of when was the first time I couldn't resist eating everything on my plate.  Did I eat like this when I was little?  When I was in high school?  Then I remembered, when I was in high school I didn't have a problem with my weight.  I would typically eat cereal for breakfast, whatever my mom made me for lunch (usually a sandwich, piece of fruit and some sort of snack), come home and eat a half can of soup and then whatever my mom made for dinner.  (We ate a lot of salad.)  I would stop eating when I was full.  I remember because everyone else in my family would consistently comment that I would leave food on my plate and I said "I'm not hungry anymore" a lot.  When I got to college the game changed.  No longer was there a kitchen full of healthy options and my mom making all my food for me.  Now I had a "meal pass" to the dining hall where I was allotted 2 meals a day.  I stopped eating breakfast and would go in for lunch and eat a huge meal.  Then I would go back for dinner and eat big again.  I started "pre-eating" because I was afraid I would get hungry later.  My alternatives to the mess hall were the "Silo" - a food outpost with Starbucks, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut or the "Memorial Union" - the student center with sandwiches, mexican food and another coffee shop.  In other words, I started eating like complete shit and I was eating a lot of it.  I packed on 40 pounds that year and the rest is history.

So now that I know IWIAS was behaviorally conditioned into me what can I do to cure it?  When I first asked myself this question I drew a blank.  "Ummm, dance like a banana?"  There really is no miracle cure, only awareness.  The best news is that at least I know where it came from so when my body starts screaming "EAT THE CHICKEN" I can say to myself "Ah ha!  I know this song."  The other thing I've been trying to do is behaviorally condition my way out of this mess.  When I make myself food I measure out what I can have that way I can clean my plate without feeling guilty.   And once in awhile I still fall off the wagon and eat an entire package of PF Chang's broccoli & beef like I did on Wednesday.  The best thing to do is just get back on the wagon and not stay too mad at myself for a weak moment.

It wasn't me!  It was the one-armed man!  Ok, it was me.

BMC is a little different.  Over the past 4 months I've been able to identify this hits at times of stress.  (Yes, bitchy customer you have to pay your bill.  No jerk-face from territory X you may not steal my account I have been working for the last year.)  When I'm phershrecked because an uncomfortable situation has escalated to mayhem that's when I want to drive to fast food and eat everything in sight.  To feel uncomfortably full and soothed with food when I can't control a bad situation.  Again, there really isn't a cure except to recognize it and not participate.

My biggest epiphany this week is that I'm not overweight for just one reason.  It's a small army of issues and I have to battle each soldier individually.  I'm lactose intolerant.  I'm mildly gluten intolerant (a.k.a addicted to wheat).  I have IWIAS which is behaviorally conditioned and BMC which is stress triggered.  How could I have ever expected a crash diet to work with long-term success in the past when I was focusing on the food and not why I was eating it?  Or in other words, I was treating symptoms (weight gain) and not the disease (why I gain weight).

It gets easier

September 15, 2012

67.2 pounds to go

What a week.  My company was purchased by our competitor in one swift and unexpected swoop.

To be fair I stole "Call me maybe" from a co-worker.  I'm sure he'd like to remain anonymous.

But seriously, hire me.  I'm a work horse.

I've heard 'so how are you feeling' so many times and discussed my uncertain future with so many people that the conversations are blending together.  To quote Mark Twain, "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything."  And that certainly applies in this situation -- I've been coaching a lot of freaked out employees, co-workers, family and friends.  If I stick to my gut feeling, keep an open mind and remove the negativity this too shall pass -- even if I've repeated the same story eighteen thousand times.  (Particularly my parting battle speech to my department: "They may take our lives, but they shall never take… our freedom!"  Charge!!!)  It's a relief just to get down to business and work on this blog.   My health is truly the one thing I can focus on and keep controlling even though the walls may fall down tomorrow.

As of today, I have been at this for 120 days or approximately 4 months.  About 2 weeks ago at the time of my last blog post I was starting to crack.  Interestingly enough, there were two things contributing to my meltdown.  One: loosely speaking in any new endeavor whether it is a relationship, a new habit or lifestyle the first hump comes at 3 months and the second at a year.  If you make it through the first three months without a conflict then congrats to you!  If you make it past a year without a conflict you're homefree.  Wee!  This doesn't mean that if you run into a crisis at these times that the world will end, it just means that it completely and totally normal to experience them.  The next step is to learn how to walk past them.

I will own you.  Watch out.

The second thing that was contributing to my lack of resolve is also conveniently  the thing I've identified to get past the hump: gluten.  About a month ago I read the book Eat Right For Your Blood Type and it suggests that with type O blood (me) to focus on meat and veggies and if at all possible, remove gluten from my diet.  I thought, "what the heck, I'll give it a whirl."  I started replacing my sandwich bread with gluten free, eating corn tortillas instead of flour and swapping pasta for rice or quinoa.  Chips are out, but there are veggie stix which are still satisfying.  At about the time of my last blog I had been 90% gluten free for about 2 weeks.

Here comes the unusual part: in other articles and books that sing the praises of dumping wheat products, they say those products can act like a drug to your system.  Hitting your blood sugar the same way as table sugar and when it is removed from your diet it is not unusual to experience withdrawal symptoms after a few weeks.  Even in a way that is very similar to a person quitting nicotine.  (If you've never witnessed it, they act like rabid baby gorillas after the first week or so.  Give me a fucking cigarette!  I am not fucking around here!)  It is extremely fortuitous timing that my meltdown happened at the two week mark of gluten-free and as an added bonus I was coming down from the end of my period.  People were lucky to have survived at all when they came within 10 feet of me.  (Read: Mike, I love you more than words can say.)

At the time of my last blog and dealing with the withdrawal symptoms all I wanted to do was eat wheat.  Flour tortillas, goldfish crackers, pasta, bread, cookies -- you name it.  It was like my body had this monster in it that was screaming for all the things that are bad for me.  I kept eating them that weekend and it never made me feel better.  It made me feel worse.  All the same, I was in the midst of the battle and when my body was yelling at me I got in line with the demands.  "Fuck you!  I am not giving up bread."  Proceed to dig in heels.  Harumpf.  I truly recognized that it has a drug-like effect on me and that I should just try staying away from them and see how I feel.  I also read that a mild wheat intolerance can contribute to rosacea, migraines and mimic cluster headaches -- all of which I have suffered from on a regular basis for the last 4 years.  These last few weeks I have been 98% gluten free - I ate bread once 2 days ago when they brought in lunch because I was in grueling merger interviews and couldn't depart.  I can say for the first time I feel full on my allotted calories.  Even a few times I've been almost uncomfortably full.  I am a ninja.  I busted that mother-fuckin' roadblock.  HiYah! 

If this week has taught me anything it is to take each day a step at a time.  Clearly, I am going to be facing a huge mountain of change in my professional life and there are a million questions that remain unanswered.  I can't answer question 859,203 (how the fuck are we going to merge the two Macy's contracts?) when I don't know the answer to question 2: will I have a job at the end of next week?  The best thing to do is focus on my next step: get re-hired.  It's the same thing with weight loss.  Just make it through today and be healthy.  Then move on to tomorrow.

I just want to be done already

September 3, 2012

68.9 pounds to go

Around this time of a diet in the past I normally had been on something extreme and been around the 40-50 pound mark of total weight lost.  Not that 30 pounds is nothing to scoff at -- it's a huge accomplishment.  I've been at this for about 4 months and there are some days I just want to be fucking done.  Why am I not at the finish line?  What will it feel like to enter the range of 'normal' again?  I don't know why, but there are still some days that I want to eat a whole house.  I want to go back to my old habits of eating a huge meal, feeling burstingly full and be done with it.  I'm not sure if it's food mourning, grieving or stress that makes me want to eat so much but that urge is definitely there and alive and well.

These past few weeks I've been on an exercise kick because I want to eat more.  I want to lose more, I am in this in-between place of struggling with my bad habits and trying to make them work for me as well as not give into what I really want to do.  (Marathon project runway and eat whatever I want)  Inevitably I will eat a big meal - still within the caloric budget - veg out for a little bit then feel guilty and go for a crazy exercise binge.  When I feel really guilty I will really exercise -- trying to get my heart rate up higher so I don't have to work out as long but then I can feel my body rebel.  "Bitch, you're not supposed to be at 80-90% of your target rate.  Chill the fuck out!"  In the end, there is no magic fix to make this happen quickly.  It's a slow and steady race, but when I've been good for so long the "why is this not done yet??" kicks in.  It is so frustrating.

I'm not sure really how to fix this.  It's a slide and a slip that I have run into so many times in my years of struggling with being overweight.  It sucks that I have to work this hard for just the minimum goal I try to reach every week - one to two pounds of weight loss.  Almost every day in the last 2 weeks I have had to beat back the beast of "eat more!"  I literally feel like there is this uncontrollable urge that I have to yell at.  "No!  I am not going to go get in-n-out!" "No, I don't need to eat more than the 500 calories allotted for me at this meal, I don't need it."  "This has nothing to do with food, this has to do with my mood."  And then my body yells back at me "but I don't feel full, when do I get to have a meal where I feel stuffed?  Will that ever happen again?"  "Will I ever get to eat a huge meal again and finally feel full? I haven't been truly full in 4 months." 

I don't want to fail.

This is not fair.

I hear stories about how people can become addicted to food and what food addiction really is.  Since I've been beating back this resurgence of negative feelings, I think I definitely fit into that category.  However, when I look up textbook food addiction it doesn't sound like me: Food addiction is a chronic, out-of-control or compulsive overconsumption of certain types of pleasure-giving foods despite potentially negative social and health consequences.  I hear stories on the radio or TV of these depressed, scary people who refuse to meet their friends because they shamefully have to stay home and eat an entire box of twinkles because they can't stop.  That's not me.  I don't hide from my life and replace it with a mountain of food.

However, I have been a compulsive over-eater in the past.  I do have a preoccupation with food.  I especially have a preoccupation when I'm stressed out or feel like I'm hitting a wall like I am right now.  I'm still in the process of getting over it -- to make food feel less important and just be a fuel -- but it doesn't happen overnight.  I want to be able to stop thinking about food, what I get to eat / how much / how full do I feel etc.  It's constant conversation in my head and I want it to shut up.  The best solution I've found so far is to keep going.  To not give up.  But just the simple act of not giving up is so fucking hard sometimes.  Is this what it feels like to be addicted to substances?  When we abstain just the simple act of counting this day as a day that I stayed on track as a success?  Who knew it would be this hard?  How did this get so hard-wired into me in the first place where it affects me so much?

I've heard that simple carbohydrates can be as devastating and addicting to our systems as a substance.  I find it hard to believe that crackers and candy can make me feel like a drug-abstaining lunatic.  Over the past few weeks I have been cutting back on the gluten and I feel fuller when I do this AND some of these crazy feelings to start to slowly fade the less that I eat bread-like substances.  I did exercise a lot this weekend and ate a lot (still within the caloric goals) but I feel way worse emotionally than when I just stayed away from the gluten.  It's not a very scientific finding, and far too short to be considered really relevant but I do feel like I'm on to something.  That I either have some level of food addiction in my system, based on simple carbs and maybe the only way to get over it is to stay away from them long enough.  Then the beast comes back "but I love bread!  I love crackers!  Werther's hard candies only have 18 calories apiece!  What's so bad about that?!  Just have one!"

Just one hit.  I think I just answered my own question.  It is an addiction.  The time for denial is over and mending to begin.

Water water everywhere, and every drop I drink.

September 1, 2012

68.9 pounds to go

It's hard to make water funny

This subject normally earns a collective groan in any diet program.

Me: "Good morning class!"

Class: In drab chorus: "Good morning Miss Horvitz."

Me: "Today we're going to talk about water.  You know you have to drink it, you know everyone has told you to do it before, now let's talk about it again!"

Boy in front raises hand

Me: "Yes Billy?"

Boy: "Can I use the bathroom pass?"

Yes, water is boring.  It's tasteless.  It's got a reputation for making you pee.  Alas, let me seduce you with a provocative story about water with this happy ending: it is vital in vaporizing fat stores.   First we start with the kidneys.  Barring no extreme occurrence, you've got two.  Think of them as the air filters to your body, they weed out the crap and sends the junk to the dump.  When they get gummed up and dirty they don't work as well and pile their extra responsibilities on the liver.  So what, you ask?  One of the liver's main functions is to break down fat to turn it into energy -- the literal spot where the magic happens with weight loss.  

Let's back up.  By drinking enough water, the body's filter (kidneys) is clean, the liver is running at optimum speed and munching down on those fat cells for dinner.  Both send the waste to your bladder / colon to be expelled.  Think of it this way: when you drink enough water, every time you go to the bathroom you are peeing the fat off of your body.  (Mind. Blown.)

So how much water is enough?  Traditional gospel tells us 8 glasses a day.  But how big of a glass? 8 ounces? Twelve? A million?  I think people get intimidated or put off because they don't know what that looks like.  Here are the hard facts: an average person needs to drink 64 ounces of water a day.  That's eight glasses of eight ounces of water.  Put in perspective an eight ounce glass of water is tiny:

It's just a baby glass!

Put in another way, it's only five 12 ounce glasses or two 32 ounce 'water tankers.'  As a rule of thumb, for every additional 25 pounds of extra weight, drink one eight ounce glass of water.  

12 ounces

32 ounce water tankers.

(Penelope has been added for perspective.  She also wouldn't get off the table.)

So how does one fit all this water drinking into a busy schedule?  Typically I will have a 12 ounce glass of water when I wake up.  Then at work I always have a 12 ounce cup of water on my desk and I'll go through 2 or 3.  Then when I get home I'll  have a glass or two and when I go to bed I always fill up the water tanker to go on the nightstand.  I oftentimes will drink all of and have to stumble downstairs mid-sleep for a refill.  I am a perpetually thirsty person in need of a beverage and have a bad habit of leaving water glasses everywhere.  Luckily, Mike does this too so I never get yelled at.

The second biggest complaint I hear about water is that it doesn't taste good.  I don't really have any good advice for this except get over it.  Drinking it cold helps - a glass of tepid water is just not satisfying.  Be prepared to pee a lot in the first few days when adopting a healthy water intake.  And, sometimes in that first week I did feel like there was a small lake swishing around in my stomach.  Luckily, our bodies are quick-adapters so after the first week, the trips to the bathroom will decrease.

Lastly, just because you adopt water into your lifestyle does not mean that other beverages are verboten.  I still drink coffee every morning and have wine a couple of times a week.  Sometimes I just want a drink with bubbles so I have a diet soda.  Keep in mind that just because it is liquid does not mean it replaces water intake.  All of these other beverages I like will ultimately dehydrate me in the form of a diuretic or sodium.  At first it is a mind-bender that a certain liquid could make you more thirsty, but trust me, it's true.  Just try drinking two big diet sodas and no water - your body will be screaming for the H20 after a half hour or so.

That's about it.  Water is a boring, un-funny subject but absolutely necessary to keep the metaphorical car running at optimum speed.  Bottoms up!