My core issue - the "I want it all" syndrome.

September 23, 2012

64.2 pounds to go

I swear to god when I was very little someone performed the "marshmallow experiment" on me.  This is where a mean therapist puts a small child in a room and gives them a marshmallow.  "Now Bonnie, if you're good and can wait 20 minutes I'll give you another marshmallow.  But you can't eat this one until I get back."  I have this intense memory of staring at that marshmallow.  I couldn't resist -- I stuffed that sucker into my mouth whole.  Who could blame me?  I don't think I was older than five.  Circling back to now, everyone has their different weaknesses with food and what they are able to resist.  For some people it's ice cream, others it's chocolate.  Some can't stay away from potato chips and french fries.  If I had to pick my favorite, I do love bread but my issue is eating "all of it."  If someone makes me a sandwich I can't eat just half.  At a restaurant I clean my plate.  And god help me if someone picks up family-style chinese food because I'll never be able to stop making trips to the kitchen.

Judged.

I think there's two things going on with me: 

1) The "I want it all" syndrome (will now call "IWIAS) 

2) The big meal cravings. (will now call "BMC") 

These are slightly different because IWIAS is when I have food in front of me and can't resist eating more.  BMC are when I'm ready to punch a customer for being an idiot and suddenly feel the need to drive my ass over to in-and-out and get a double double with fries.  I'll get into both separately.

I first recognized IWIAS early on in this journey.  I always knew eating a lot of food gave me comfort, but the fact that I couldn't stop was troubling me.  I then performed an experiment on myself: I went to Pick Up Stix and bought what I was craving - Lemon Chicken - but I only had enough calories banked to eat half.  So I ate my portion and put the other half in the fridge.  Then I got back up and shoved the package to the very back of the fridge and put a bunch of stuff in front of it. It was only 3/4 of a cup of food but my body was literally screaming at me "EAT THE CHICKEN!"  I probably looked like I was going out of my mind, pacing like a cat and fidgeting on the couch.  I finally got up and went and distracted myself with a book.  It was at that moment that I realized IWIAS was hard-wired into me at some subconscious level.

Now to figure out where this monster was born and grew into it's current form.  After the experiment I spent a week racking my brain trying to think of when was the first time I couldn't resist eating everything on my plate.  Did I eat like this when I was little?  When I was in high school?  Then I remembered, when I was in high school I didn't have a problem with my weight.  I would typically eat cereal for breakfast, whatever my mom made me for lunch (usually a sandwich, piece of fruit and some sort of snack), come home and eat a half can of soup and then whatever my mom made for dinner.  (We ate a lot of salad.)  I would stop eating when I was full.  I remember because everyone else in my family would consistently comment that I would leave food on my plate and I said "I'm not hungry anymore" a lot.  When I got to college the game changed.  No longer was there a kitchen full of healthy options and my mom making all my food for me.  Now I had a "meal pass" to the dining hall where I was allotted 2 meals a day.  I stopped eating breakfast and would go in for lunch and eat a huge meal.  Then I would go back for dinner and eat big again.  I started "pre-eating" because I was afraid I would get hungry later.  My alternatives to the mess hall were the "Silo" - a food outpost with Starbucks, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut or the "Memorial Union" - the student center with sandwiches, mexican food and another coffee shop.  In other words, I started eating like complete shit and I was eating a lot of it.  I packed on 40 pounds that year and the rest is history.

So now that I know IWIAS was behaviorally conditioned into me what can I do to cure it?  When I first asked myself this question I drew a blank.  "Ummm, dance like a banana?"  There really is no miracle cure, only awareness.  The best news is that at least I know where it came from so when my body starts screaming "EAT THE CHICKEN" I can say to myself "Ah ha!  I know this song."  The other thing I've been trying to do is behaviorally condition my way out of this mess.  When I make myself food I measure out what I can have that way I can clean my plate without feeling guilty.   And once in awhile I still fall off the wagon and eat an entire package of PF Chang's broccoli & beef like I did on Wednesday.  The best thing to do is just get back on the wagon and not stay too mad at myself for a weak moment.

It wasn't me!  It was the one-armed man!  Ok, it was me.

BMC is a little different.  Over the past 4 months I've been able to identify this hits at times of stress.  (Yes, bitchy customer you have to pay your bill.  No jerk-face from territory X you may not steal my account I have been working for the last year.)  When I'm phershrecked because an uncomfortable situation has escalated to mayhem that's when I want to drive to fast food and eat everything in sight.  To feel uncomfortably full and soothed with food when I can't control a bad situation.  Again, there really isn't a cure except to recognize it and not participate.

My biggest epiphany this week is that I'm not overweight for just one reason.  It's a small army of issues and I have to battle each soldier individually.  I'm lactose intolerant.  I'm mildly gluten intolerant (a.k.a addicted to wheat).  I have IWIAS which is behaviorally conditioned and BMC which is stress triggered.  How could I have ever expected a crash diet to work with long-term success in the past when I was focusing on the food and not why I was eating it?  Or in other words, I was treating symptoms (weight gain) and not the disease (why I gain weight).