I just want to be done already

September 3, 2012

68.9 pounds to go

Around this time of a diet in the past I normally had been on something extreme and been around the 40-50 pound mark of total weight lost.  Not that 30 pounds is nothing to scoff at -- it's a huge accomplishment.  I've been at this for about 4 months and there are some days I just want to be fucking done.  Why am I not at the finish line?  What will it feel like to enter the range of 'normal' again?  I don't know why, but there are still some days that I want to eat a whole house.  I want to go back to my old habits of eating a huge meal, feeling burstingly full and be done with it.  I'm not sure if it's food mourning, grieving or stress that makes me want to eat so much but that urge is definitely there and alive and well.

These past few weeks I've been on an exercise kick because I want to eat more.  I want to lose more, I am in this in-between place of struggling with my bad habits and trying to make them work for me as well as not give into what I really want to do.  (Marathon project runway and eat whatever I want)  Inevitably I will eat a big meal - still within the caloric budget - veg out for a little bit then feel guilty and go for a crazy exercise binge.  When I feel really guilty I will really exercise -- trying to get my heart rate up higher so I don't have to work out as long but then I can feel my body rebel.  "Bitch, you're not supposed to be at 80-90% of your target rate.  Chill the fuck out!"  In the end, there is no magic fix to make this happen quickly.  It's a slow and steady race, but when I've been good for so long the "why is this not done yet??" kicks in.  It is so frustrating.

I'm not sure really how to fix this.  It's a slide and a slip that I have run into so many times in my years of struggling with being overweight.  It sucks that I have to work this hard for just the minimum goal I try to reach every week - one to two pounds of weight loss.  Almost every day in the last 2 weeks I have had to beat back the beast of "eat more!"  I literally feel like there is this uncontrollable urge that I have to yell at.  "No!  I am not going to go get in-n-out!" "No, I don't need to eat more than the 500 calories allotted for me at this meal, I don't need it."  "This has nothing to do with food, this has to do with my mood."  And then my body yells back at me "but I don't feel full, when do I get to have a meal where I feel stuffed?  Will that ever happen again?"  "Will I ever get to eat a huge meal again and finally feel full? I haven't been truly full in 4 months." 

I don't want to fail.

This is not fair.

I hear stories about how people can become addicted to food and what food addiction really is.  Since I've been beating back this resurgence of negative feelings, I think I definitely fit into that category.  However, when I look up textbook food addiction it doesn't sound like me: Food addiction is a chronic, out-of-control or compulsive overconsumption of certain types of pleasure-giving foods despite potentially negative social and health consequences.  I hear stories on the radio or TV of these depressed, scary people who refuse to meet their friends because they shamefully have to stay home and eat an entire box of twinkles because they can't stop.  That's not me.  I don't hide from my life and replace it with a mountain of food.

However, I have been a compulsive over-eater in the past.  I do have a preoccupation with food.  I especially have a preoccupation when I'm stressed out or feel like I'm hitting a wall like I am right now.  I'm still in the process of getting over it -- to make food feel less important and just be a fuel -- but it doesn't happen overnight.  I want to be able to stop thinking about food, what I get to eat / how much / how full do I feel etc.  It's constant conversation in my head and I want it to shut up.  The best solution I've found so far is to keep going.  To not give up.  But just the simple act of not giving up is so fucking hard sometimes.  Is this what it feels like to be addicted to substances?  When we abstain just the simple act of counting this day as a day that I stayed on track as a success?  Who knew it would be this hard?  How did this get so hard-wired into me in the first place where it affects me so much?

I've heard that simple carbohydrates can be as devastating and addicting to our systems as a substance.  I find it hard to believe that crackers and candy can make me feel like a drug-abstaining lunatic.  Over the past few weeks I have been cutting back on the gluten and I feel fuller when I do this AND some of these crazy feelings to start to slowly fade the less that I eat bread-like substances.  I did exercise a lot this weekend and ate a lot (still within the caloric goals) but I feel way worse emotionally than when I just stayed away from the gluten.  It's not a very scientific finding, and far too short to be considered really relevant but I do feel like I'm on to something.  That I either have some level of food addiction in my system, based on simple carbs and maybe the only way to get over it is to stay away from them long enough.  Then the beast comes back "but I love bread!  I love crackers!  Werther's hard candies only have 18 calories apiece!  What's so bad about that?!  Just have one!"

Just one hit.  I think I just answered my own question.  It is an addiction.  The time for denial is over and mending to begin.