Self Sabotage

September 30, 2012

64.2 pounds to go

Don't do it!

I just had to get that out there first.  We already know that we should not be surprised if we run into a speed bump around the three-month mark of a new lifestyle change, and at this is the time I have started to unconsciously sabotage my efforts in previous diets.  It's always something minor - slipping in a full calorie soda, or going out to dinner and not picking the healthy choice on the menu but what everyone else is eating.  Maybe I stop weighing myself because I'm too afraid to see the number after a bad night.  I'm tempted to not count the extra string cheese into my diet tracker.   Or my very private, somewhat weird personal habit of eating slice after slice of bread and cheese while marathoning bad TV.  None of this does me any good - it's like lying to my therapist or cheating at solitaire.  No one is going to know I'm hurting myself except myself.

I don't think self sabotage is the same thing as giving up.  It is a spot of self-struggle because I want to do right by me, but I'm also scared.  The internal dialogue consists of: 

"Well, everyone else is eating McDonald's today."

"One full calorie soda isn't going to kill me."

"I deserve this cake, I had a hard week and I haven't had any in a month."

"But it tastes good! No fair."

"I already look good."

In other words, there is an army of self-rationalization in reserve at this stage:

The biggest thing is to not let the excuses win, but figure out what's underneath this towering line of defense.  I've recently been rereading Michael Crichton's book "Travels" -- I had first read it right after college and it inspired me to take my own unusual adventures around the globe.  This time I'm getting something different out of it - not only is he going to all these weird places, but he spends a lot of time focusing on self-learning and why he acts the way he does.  In one chapter called "Cactus Teachings" he takes a very brave trip to a new age conference in the desert in the interest of self-discovery.  While he is there everyone keeps asking him "why are you so angry? What are you mad about?"  His gut reaction is to believe others are projecting their feelings on to him but in the end he realizes he is mad, and mad a lot.  (He also makes friends with a cactus which is enormously entertaining.) 

Then I realized, I do that.  Not all the time, but I'll be in the car yelling at other drivers to speed the fuck up and I stop myself and think "why am I so angry about a 5 mile an hour speed difference?"

It's the same thing with food.  The only difference is not to ask myself "why am I so mad?" but "why do I want to eat for pleasure instead of power?"  I think most people can make it through their entire lives without asking themselves why they do the things they do.  Just the simple fact that I stop and ask myself what's happening is a huge step.

You bet your ass I do.

When I answer the question "why am I doing this?" it's usually something I already know.  I'm stress eating.  I'm tired.  I have a problem with portions.  I ate too much crap this week that my body doesn't like and now I'm paying the price.  I haven't exercised in a week and my endorphins are low.  It's annoying that there isn't a magic bullet answer to solve the problem, but at least there is an answer on the other end.

Once in awhile, everyone is going to have an off day.  I have.  I've had my moments over the last 135 days where I've eaten over my calorie goal.  The good news is that I'm not going into full-destruction mode with a huge 1500 calorie meal, I only go over by 200-400 calories.  And afterwards I ask myself why I did that, instill forgiveness and get back on the damn wagon.

This act of self-sabotage doesn't just apply to food.  Recently I've even felt "blah" about my writing.  Saturday comes and I just don't feel like doing it.  So I've allowed myself to write on Sunday instead but I still force myself to do it, because I made a commitment to do it, and damn it, I'm going to do it!  I feel like I say this a lot, but the most important thing is to not give in to discouragmenet.  I think that people who are hugely successful in any part of their lives - work, dieting, personal goals etc - are not any smarter than we are.  They just never give up.