Grumblesauce

April 21, 2013

41.5 pounds to go

If you're not cheating, you're not trying.

These past few weeks have been infuriating when it comes to my weight loss.  I’ve essentially been playing with the same 2 pounds for a little over a month and they just wont seem to get lost.  In the beginning I knew it was my fault – it was my emotional issues with the numbers and then I ate too much.  So I faced it, and got back on track with my regular calorie goals.  Then my period hit which is the automatic one-week stall I expect every month.  These past 2 weeks I said “I’m really going to get serious about this again” and I started exercising like a maniac and (drum roll) nothing!  The scale went up -- how is that possible??!!#%$^*@#!

This begs two questions: one, am I rationalizing with the “I probably converted fat to muscle” question?  I still don’t know how long that takes but if it only takes 2 weeks of running 3 times a week to gain a pound of muscle, then that’s what’s happened.   The other question is I wonder if I’ve accidently kicked my body into starvation mode by going to extreme with the exercise and calorie intake.  Am I retaining water?  Eating too much salt?  I practically was the salad queen this last week to try and nix out that possibility.  What is it is the magic answer?  Sometimes I wish my body could literally speak to me and say “just stop eating x,y,z and exercise four times a week and I will adhere to your weight loss commands.” 

One thing I’ve learned with the two other plateaus I’ve experienced already in August and December is that once I stop stressing about introducing extreme exercise and just hit my calorie goal then eventually the scale starts dropping again.  I just have to be patient. (and that's retarded.)   It reminds me of trying endlessly to see those blurred out “Magic Eye” pictures in the 90’s.  I spent countless hours staring at those books.  And to quote Kevin Smith’s “Mallrats” I could never see the fucking sailboat.  

Ok, I admit it.  I've never seen a goddamn thing.

Once I stop fixating it becomes easier to get back on track.  Just like with those blurry pictures.  Anyway, it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.  What I’ve realized and have had to re-learn three times now is that when I go extreme (300 or more under net calorie goal per day) I don’t lose weight.  And when I’m over my daily calorie goal by 150 or more calories I don’t lose weight.  It’s like there’s this razor edge of balance that I have to walk otherwise the scale isn’t going to move.  And that’s really between 1350 and 1450 net calorie intake a day.  What really amazes me is that the window is that fucking small.  It’s not fair!  What if I’m craving French fries?   Can’t I write my congressman a very persuasive letter and get a law passed to change the calorie window to lose weight? No?  Grumblesauce.

It’s funny because near the beginning of this journey – around July -- I calculated out a progress chart on the average weight loss I was experiencing per month and broke it down to project how long it would take me to get down to my goal.  I had two different pacing scenarios – one where I would have hit my 100 pound goal right about now, and one where I predicted it would happen in September of this year.  What I didn’t project was three goddamn plateaus in the process, and who knows how many more I will experience.  At this rate, I’ve lost about 11 pounds in the last 3 and a half months which means it could potentially take another YEAR to get to ultimate goal.  Heavy sigh.

Here’s the thing, I’ve already changed my ways with my food so it’s not like I’m going to say ‘fuck it’ and start eating Jack in the crack for every meal or stock up on bonbons to skyrocket into "I give up" land.  If I just keep going which I plan on doing anyway since it’s now my lifestyle, who cares if it takes another year?  Then the other side of me says “gaawwwwdddd, it’s sooooo long.”  (that’s what she said)

The other major rationalizer that kicks in is “did I set my goal too high? Should I be happy with a final number that’s not ultimately 100 pounds lost?  On one hand, maybe.  The other day on my mid-week weigh when the scale yet again didn’t move I went on a mad google-ing spree of healthy body fat percentages to see where I fell on the chart.  To my surprise I came in at 31-32% body fat which is right on the cusp of an acceptable range for my age and gender.  Technically 32 and over is overweight.  But according to the BMI charts I have at least 22 pounds to go which in the long run really isn’t that much.  Again, it begs the question: what is healthy?  What is normal? Where should I set the bar and my expectations?  Is it like standardized testing?  Use this as a guide but not something to define my life.

On the other hand with my ultimate 100-pound goal, I set it and I’m going to see it through no matter how long it takes.  I’m a capricornic goat and goddamnit I’m stubborn and I’m going to do it.  Get out of my way.  I’m not a ‘fuck it, now is good enough’ kind of person.  I will persist.  Even if I do have to put up with these plateaus and bouts of rationalization.  It comes with the territory, but to be honest I didn't think I would have to deal with it quite this much.  I keep thinking that there will come a day where I don't bargain with the scale or my food anymore and the weight will continue to come off and a semi-rapid clip.  Maybe it never ends, and that's the key to staying healthy.