Falling off the wagon

August 10, 2013

40.5 pounds to go

Mrs. Bonnie Rebecca Bracken here.  Married and BRB I unintentionally abandoned my blog for the world of wedding events.   And I’ve ditched it just long enough that I’m a frightened bird hesitantly hopping and pecking my way back to the computer.

Who cares about calories when he got that garter off with his teeth?

I’ve still been logging my food everyday (today = day 449), even on my wedding day which consisted of potato chips and champagne for lunch.   Even on the plane ride to Hawaii which served the last living airplane meal.  I tracked the welcome Mai Tai’s, the decadent dinners and long lounging days by the pool.  I was that crazy girl who used the hotel gym (there were chilled towels!) and ran my first 5k out of cocktail guilt.  While it was a long walk from the pool to the hotel room, I’m sure the calories burned did not equate to the 3 drinks I had just consumed by the pool.  

A bloody mary does not count as a vegetable.  

The honeymoon was like a dream, I couldn’t be luckier with my sweet husband.  And we did manage to eat and drink our way through the entire island of Kauai.  But that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?  I wasn’t completely going off the rails and eating gigantic hamburgers for every meal – I tried to pick the healthy things and still consistently ate my vegetables and ate on time.  I worked out.  I got the dressing on the side.  But the alcohol – I ditched my white wine / corona light staple and tried every tropical drink on the menu.  I walked the fine line of having a consistent buzz but never a hangover for just about the entire trip.  Not all day, but some part of the day there was a buzz in there.   Near the middle of the trip I turned to Mike and said “If I had a dollar for every drink I took a picture of, we’d have a lot of dollars.”

This was my favorite.

In the middle of the trip we had a lazy day of watching the Discovery Channel, eating room service and endless toffee chocolate covered macadamia nuts a warning bell went off in my mind: “Old habits have returned!  Danger! Danger!”  It only took 2 weeks and here I was sneaking extra chocolates.  A year and 2 months of solid work and discipline, and 2 weeks is all it took to fall off the wagon.  Then run to the swanky gym for my first 5k ever.

When we got back to San Diego, I had that fateful moment of stepping on the scale after the honeymoon.  I squeezed my eyes shut and then looked down.   I had gained 8 pounds.  Granted, some of it was period weight (sorry Mom & Dad, no honeymoon baby) but I was shocked.  I knew I hadn’t been great, but I didn’t think I was that bad.  Eight fucking pounds??  Holyshitsticks!  You couldn’t get me off the elliptical machine or the treadmill these past 2 weeks.  I’ve taken 5 of them off which puts me back at playing with these endless 3 pounds for what feels like months.

I’ve realized in the past few weeks that my body has reached a happy medium.  At my current rate of exercise (2ish times a week) and net calorie goal (1400) this is the body I will have.  It’s a good one – at the cusp of a size 10 and healthy. 

We looked good and burned calories!

However, my ultimate goal is 40 pounds less than this (gasp) because I want hit that 100 pounds lost number.  I’d also like to know what it feels like to have a flat belly and fat-less thighs.   It’s my stubborn nature that says “well, I said I was going to do it, so goddamnit I’m going to finish no matter how long it takes.”

But what will it take to finish?  While I have good habits now, I know I’m going to have to take it to the next level of a little more exercise and netting out little less calories.  (Probably 1200)  Which means realistically I have to exercise at least 400-500 calories off a day and only eat 1400-1500 calories.  Groan.  Even though it doesn’t seem like much starting that good habit is about as enticing as an alligator eating my eye.   And knowing it took me a solid 6 months to really get used to the level I’m comfortable with now makes it even less appealing.

Of course, my mind has dabbled with lose-weight-quick scenarios.  Just get this off of me.   Google-ing “lose 30 pounds fast” and getting lost in the internet pages of extreme dieting.  Juice fasting.  Marathon training.  Joining a gym.  A personal trainer.  Pills.  “Supplements.”  P90X.  Brazilian Butt lift.  (I own both)  The regular black hole of the diet industry that is alluring but not sustainable.  Double groan.  I’ve been at this threshold for what feels like too many times.   Do not get sucked in!  Resist!  The fact is I’m either going to start getting up early and working out or forcing myself after work until it no longer feels like a punishment.  I own a pair of legs, I just have to start using them more.  The key is to just start and not over-think it.   Here I go.  It's time to create a new normal.