Declaring Peace.

(I really should post this tomorrow to go with armistice day.  But what the heck, I'm gonna do it now.)

November 10, 2012

58.7 pounds to go

Plateau number two has reared its ugly head and I'm going into week three of "I'm not gonna budge" with the scale.  I noticed it 2 weeks ago and I went on a crazy exercise binge to see if I could jump start myself.  (I was inspired).  Then to my disappointment I gained weight last week at my weigh-in which I immediately dismissed as an error.  Now I'm back to where I was with the numbers.  Here's the thing: now that I'm experiencing this (again) I don't feel like going into the streets to find someone to punch, I'm just trying to be nicer to myself so I don't fall off the wagon.  

Even though the scale is not moving, I feel really thin today.  I've run into long strings of rationalization over the past 2 weeks: I went on some monster hikes so maybe I gained muscle.  The week before last I ate like garbage and I know it.  This week I have been the salad queen to try and clean up my diet.  And I haven't really exercised since my binge a few weeks ago because I got sucked into a vortex with work.  (I know this is happening because I've been getting a lot of texts recently reading "Are you dead?  I haven't seen you in weeks!")  I do think my body is recalibrating which is why the scale isn't moving but I'm not letting it get me down.

So, I'm getting into this new relationship with my body.  What does that mean?  This conversation I had with my cousin last week explains it:

"I think the reason why I gained weight (along with other problems in my life) was due to deliberate ignorance.  The key to figuring everything out is simply to allow awareness."

"Like, I'm gonna eat McDonald's because it makes me feel good, and not think about what it's doing to me?"

"Exactly."

I've spent such a huge majority of my life not listening to myself.  Now that I pay attention I can feel when my body doesn't feel good.  I eat bread and I get a headache.  I eat too much in one sitting and I get tired.  I eat too much processed food and I feel weak.  I don't eat vegetables and I can't shit.  I drink too much coffee and I shake.  I go long stretches without eating and feel hazy and disconnected.  I have more than three drinks and I get a hangover. (Then I'm a bottomless pit the next day.  Yuck.) 

I can now admit when I do the huge hikes and then binge eat at a family event I suffer the day after.  Again, I first discovered this at the family 4th of July party this year.  The next day I was so fucking hungry.  I had gone back to my normal eating plan and since I had stretched my stomach with a 1500 calorie meal the day before I couldn't get full.  Finally I laid down on the couch, closed my eyes and apologized to my body for about 10 minutes for abusing it.

In the past I would never do anything like that, but again, now that I'm listening it becomes more and more obvious that the things my mind wants are completely separate from the needs of my body.  My mind loves bread.  My body hates it.  My mind craves fast food when I get stressed but then my body will rebel after I've eaten it.  My mind gets distracted by work and I run though my lunch.  Then my body shuts down because it needs food.  My mind wants to keep going going going and my body will say "Oh yeah, you need your eyes to work at a computer, right?  Bam!  Migraine auras.  Slow the fuck down."  My mind says exercise blows.  My body rewards me with a mood lift after I work out.  There is a huge disconnect between the two and when I first realized it I said "this doesn't make any sense!  Shouldn't they be working together?!"  It makes me feel like my consciousness is a little alien inhabiting this body and we have to learn how to play nice with each other.  And awareness is the bridge between the mind and the body.

This sounds silly but when I feel really good I take time to say to my body "thank you for being so good to me."  When I've done something a little ignorant or mean (like overstuffing myself or drinking beer) I apologize.  The more and more days I log my food and eat healthy (176 days today) the easier it becomes to make the right choices.  I got myself into the mess by repeating bad behaviors over and over again.  Now I am cleaning up my act by repeating good behaviors over and over again.  And the more I repeat them the easier it becomes to let go of my food issues.  In fact, they just start to fall away.  It's like when I get a bad cut in an uncomfortable place.  The first few days it hurts and it feels like it's never going to go away.  I stop every 20 minutes and examine how fast it's healing.   When I finally stop picking at it and leave it alone my body can get to work at healing itself.  Then a few weeks later I forget how much it hurt and the cut is gone.  Stop fixating.  Start living.

So when a day like today happens with the scale and I'm plateauing I tell myself "learn to love every step of the way."  This is the body I was given and it's a good one.  I liked my juicy curves when I was bigger and I love how my clothes look better on me now than ever.  I revel in the feeling of "smaller."  I pay attention when my bra is loose on me.  And when I woke up on Wednesday I simply realized that my thighs weren't chaffing me anymore.  The scale is just a number -- one I still need to give some attention to -- but it's not the end-all be-all in this relationship.  I'm grateful that I finally got on the wagon and that I choose every day to keep going on this journey.

A love to last a lifetime.