Making an effort.

I think I'm going to offend everyone again.  

November 18, 2012

56.3 pounds to go

I've noticed some people will reach a point in their life where they say 'fuck it' and weird behaviors emerge.  It's when grandma starts regularly telling you about her bowel movements or uncle Steve starts pulling his pants up to his nipples.  Maybe a sister starts wearing the same plaid pants everyday with a ratty shirt.  Or a mangy housedress with bright orange tights.  A brother suddenly puts on 50 pounds and there's no way you can pull him away from his recent 'World of Warcraft' marathon.  (But Bonnie, I have a level 73 orc shaman master.  There's no possible way I could stop now.)  Maybe a co-worker comes in a crumpled outfit that looks suspiciously slept in.

We're in public dude!

When someone around you starts dressing like a hobo, it's normally a sign that something much more disturbing is happening underneath the surface.  I don't have a problem when someone has a 'unique sense of style' but when basic hygiene starts to go by the wayside, something is amiss.  These things include brushing your teeth, putting on deodorant, brushing your hair, wearing a shirt without holes, shaving and showering.  I know I've had exhaustive moments of stress where I sleep until 10AM, wander around my house in PJ's drinking coffee, marathon bad TV and then my big activity of the day is venturing to the grocery store.  I think everyone has these days sprinkled into their lives, and there is nothing wrong with having a 'veg' day.  However, if 'veg' day is happening 7 days a week there is a problem.  Spending that much time isolated starts perpetuating laziness and negative thoughts, and the more time you spend doing that, the harder it is to come back to reality.  I've also found that major isolation like this is what starts triggering 'fuck it' behavior.  So what if I eat 4,000 calories today?  So what if I wear sweat pants to a fancy party?  So what if I wear an "I'm with stupid" shirt to work?

So circling back, what is the "disturbing thing happening underneath the surface?"  In my opinion, in one word: depression.  Depression is a sneaky bitch.  I've never been officially diagnosed with anything major, but it does run in my family, severely, on both sides so I know to watch for it.  For me, depression has a 'creeper' effect.  It's the occasional thought that starts getting watered and tended to and soon it grows into an out-of-control crop.  It really does start off as an innocuous idea and then one day you wake up and say "why is everything so much harder than it used to be?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I guess I'll just play video games all day and maybe I'll get inspired."  It's not as if you wake up one day and realize "gee, I'm depressed, I think I'll do something about it."  There's lots of denial, hibernating and tears that happen beforehand.  For me, I recognized that I get hormonal dips the week before my period (ew! you said period!) which actually mimics depression.  And the doctors say that being overweight can also contribute to mild depression.  During those times it was happening, I truly thought "what the fuck is wrong with me" as it occured.  Then it would clear up a week later and I would say "ahhhh, it's all chemical."  What I will say if what I was experiencing was mild, god help me if I got the full-blown kind, because what I felt seriously fucking sucked.  I would have no hesitation to take antidepressants if I had been diagnosed with something major.  And no shame about it either.

Depression is no laughing matter.

So what happens if you are depressed and want to start coming out of your cave?  What I would suggest is first, go to a doctor and get help.  The second would be to just go through the motions.  Even though it may seem like a pain in the ass to gussy up every day, get a job and start trying it becomes easier with repetition.

So what if Uncle Steve is not depressed but won't stop wearing his pants around his nipples?  Or take off the dildo hat?  This is definitely a grey area, but I think it could be a gross difference of opinion on what is socially acceptable.  The term "socially acceptable" is a worthless platitude in itself, so how do we define it?  Or abide by it?  What makes someone go 'fuck it?'  I could write an eleventy-billion page paper on this because it's so vague.  If you look up the term "socially acceptable it is defined as: showing standards of behavior that are socially and morally acceptable."  This gets us nowhere, so I looked up "social" which is defined as: the term social refers to a characteristic of living organism as applied to populations of humans or other animals.  It always refers to the interaction of organisms with other organisms and their collective co-existence, irrespective of whether they are aware of it or not, and irrespective of whether the interaction is voluntary or involuntary."  Huh?  So then I looked up the etymology which states: "the word "Social" derives from the latin word socli ("allies").  It is particularly derived from the Italian Socli states, historical allies of the Roman Republic."

So if I had to take a stab at a general definition of "socially acceptable" it means fitting in with everyone else, a.k.a. becoming an ally.  This could trigger a cluster of "well, I'm not gonna!" reactions, but seriously, think about it.  Sometimes, even though we may not want to, we need to adopt certain behaviors to 'fit in" and I think this is what's going on beneath the surface when people say 'screw you guys, I'm gonna do wha' ah whant:'

1) Some people just like to challenge everything for the sake of challenging it. i.e. If you really loved me you wouldn't care that I'm wearing a dildo hat.  I personally find this infuriating.  You don't have a good reason for doing it except for the sake of doing it.

2) Something kicked you into 'I don't care' mode - what is it?

And as a side note, when am I allowed to say, out loud, that I am embarrassed by someone's behavior without sending them into a funk?  Because if you are the perpetrator of something totally bizarre, believe me, people are talking about it even if it's not to your face.  It's certainly happened to me.

Ultimately, it is up to the person who is in "I don't care" world to make the change to "I do care."  I can't spend too much time getting torn up about it because what matters is that I'm making an effort to care about myself.  I know I get sucked into "let me save you" mode, and it's just not possible to save everyone.  However, to leave it as an elephant in the room would be a mistake.   I do apologize for being unintentionally offensive and if you want to come back and smack me later, that's ok.  Just don't totally kill the messenger. (i.e. me.)

Getting back to the light-hearted nature of this discussion, just because I have to make an effort to care, doesn't mean I have to take 2 hours getting ready in the morning as if I were going to a ball.  All that other stuff I had mentioned in my previous entry like listening to my body, apologizing to it when I overdo it and simply paying attention all counts.  It seems like it would be easy to keep all of my ducks in a row, but sometimes just sticking with the basics can be a lot of work -- especially when I'm overloaded with my job.  This may sound silly but when all else goes awry, at least I have my health and can pay attention to it.  That, and remember not to wear crumpled PJ's to work with kitty vomit stains on them.