Keep saying thank you

November 4, 2012

58.9 pounds to go

I think it's interesting when people start noticing my weight loss.  I'll be perfectly blunt, the first ones to comment were the women who were also overweight.  This started happening around the 10-15 pound mark of total weight loss. Then the women who are fit started giving me kudos for taking interest in my health.  Then my family as they were aware that I was trying.  Finally, when I hit about 35 pounds mark the "Ohmygodwhatareyoudoing" conversation started happening nearly every day.  Still, mostly with women.

Here's the thing I am unsure about: I don't know if men notice, or don't notice.  It is very rare (i.e. never) for a male coworker or friend to come up and say "jesus my darlin' you look faaabulous!"  Or even something simple such as, "you've lost weight."  I have two guesses why:

(disclaimer: this is a stab in the dark, but I think I'm on to something.)   

1) They don't notice until it's a dramatic loss. (50 pounds +)

2) They're afraid of what I would say in return / I would be offended / they don't want to come off as a douche.

If I close my eyes and step into the shoes of a male co-worker, I can see how it would be uncomfortable to comment.  'Here's a woman who is losing weight who in many cases, may outrank me in the corporate ladder, so if I say "damn woman, you've lost weight," she may think I'm hitting on her or crossing the line."  It would be the same for someone above me, i.e. "if I make a comment to the weight she's lost she's going to think I'm flirting and abusing my power etc."  Then there are also the standard fears from men of making a comment on a woman's weight such as "she's going to smack me because I'm implying she was fat before" or "she's going to think I want to get with her." 

There is an unwritten rule that talking about women's weight in hard numbers is taboo.  Men know not to ask their girlfriends / wives how much they weigh or ask them to go on a diet.  (An example of another unwritten rule would be don't talk about sex, politics or religion at work.  Period.)  It's also a tough subject to talk about because what if your woman is overweight?  What if you're worried about her health?  Or are not as attracted to her because she's put on some pounds?  Because of this unwritten rule,  when men finally get fed up and do say something it normally comes out like this:

"Well, you are overweight and need to realize it.  I want you to lose 20 pounds for my birthday, I don't like that you eat more than me and are heavier than I am."

Her: "Sob."  Followed by punching him in the face.

To be fair, there isn't a perfect way to broach this subject, but it has to be positioned in the form of caring about someone's health rather than telling them what a fat blob they are.  For me, I had someone very close to me say exactly this:

"There's something I want to talk to you about that's going to be uncomfortable, but I feel I need to say something.  I'm really worried because I've noticed that you've put on some weight and you're taking your stress out on your body rather than in a healthy way."  It was followed by my sobbing, not because it hurt my feelings but because I knew that was true.  My response (between blubbering) was "It's true, I am so stressed out and I can't control what I eat anymore.  I don't know what to do."  It was in the next week that I got on the wagon.

Again, I could be wrong here, but it seems to me that men tend to think on the "well, it is true so what's the big problem" wavelength.  Comments come out like "well, you are 20 pounds overweight."  It's not that they tack on a negative association, they're just saying it because it's a fact.  But believe me, the ladies tack on "and you're a fat cow" to the end of the statement.  But like dealing with any delicate situation, you need to provide lots of cushioning statements before you reveal the truth.  A cushioning statement is something like "this could be difficult to hear," "I'm concerned this may hurt your feelings but I'm coming from a good place," or "I tend to be blunt, so I'm just going to say something even though it's hard to talk about."  Just make sure not to be so fluffy as the person hearing it thinks "what exactly are you trying to tell me?  Just get to the goddamn point!"

Back to commenting on the weight loss, I still get a good amount of hair-brained comments, smile and say "thank you."  Keep doing this, because people will continue to say dumb shit and the negativity association is typically something that is going on with them, not you.

It never ends!

The most useful advice I can give to the commenters is keep it in a positive light.  Instead of saying "wow, you don't have flabby arms any more," say "your arms are looking very slender."  Because when you say "you don't have x,y, & z fat stuff anymore" what the dieter hears is "wow, you were such a bowl of jello before.  I mean, seriously, what a sasquatch."  Playing the comparison game with comments only leads down a thorny road. 

In turn, the most useful advice I can give to the dieters is don't let one shitty comment derail you from your journey.  A bad comment coming from the right person can be devastating.  Even though it may be hurtful, I acknowledge that it happened, forgive the person for saying it (internally) and then reaffirm that I am on this journey for myself and my own health.  The only person who can choose not to eat healthy is me, not the person who said an unintentionally cruel thing.  Once I get re-centered on myself it's much easier to stay on track because as they say, "you can't change the actions of the people around you, only your own."